What I'm thankful for

Thankful  2012

It's not that I'm not thankful all year, but November is the month I really sit back and think about the last year. The older I'm getting the years are going faster. It seems only weeks ago I was doing this, but it was actually a whole year already! It always amazes me how much happens in a year. 

 I really can't believe my twins are going to be 3! It may sound silly but I'm thankful to have made it through the last year! LOL they give me a run for my money everyday! They are the hardest most amazing blessing! Watching them grow together, seeing their relationship, and the joy they bring me everyday warms my heart. 

My 9 year old is so smart, it's such a relief to not have school problems with her.  I'm thankful she's starting to find herself, she was really put out from the twins. She went from being the baby with lots of attention, to having the twins take her place. I'm so thankful how much she loves them. I love to see her read with them or play with them.

My 11 year old boy.....I'm so thankful for all his progress. Even though there have been some issues at school, it seems some things are getting better. I'm thankful he loves his sisters. Yeah he will joke about it, but he and my 9 yr old are best friends. I love listening to them talk, and laugh together. He also is such a big help with the twins.

My 14 yr old drama queen.....I'm thankful she's is HS. As she gets older, a lot is getting better. It's easier to get my point across when I can take away her phone, computer time hanging out etc. I'm also so thankful she adjusted so well to HS and is getting good grades.

My 17 yr old....I'm thankful she is doing so well in school, and life. She is really a well adjusted, smart young lady. I can't believe she is graduating! It brings me such joy to see her play tennis.

My 19 yr old....I'm thankful she's back HOME! It's been a rough year for her and me! I'm thankful she is getting her life back on track! I'm thankful for our relationship.

The hubby....where to begin? I'm thankful for him EVERYDAY! He is such a good husband and father. We've come a long way this past year. Between the twins and oldest, and my almost nervous breakdown, we had our share of tense, angry times. I'm the most thankful we weathered our first real storm together and came out stronger. It's such a blessing to have a husband who understands, or at least tries to, and who backs you up, and encourages you on the days you feel like the worst mother on the planet. We are a united front when it comes to raising the children. He helps with the twins, or running an errand, or whatever I need that day. Yeah I complain sometimes, but I know how blessed I am to have him.

My mom....I am so thankful first of all that she's here! Still alive! She had a few scares this year, with another heart surgery, a spot on her lung, and adjusting to new medications. She is my best friend, we talk everyday and I'm thankful for her love and how she's so supportive of me and my family. We've come a long way. She never understood why I had so many kids, we had some issues to work through and I'm so blessed to have made my peace with her and that she's a part of my life. 

There is so much more I'm thankful for as well. I'm thankful work has been coming through for my husband, good health, my house, my car, being able to put food on the table, and most of all I'm thankful to be a stay at home mom. It's not always easy, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

What my older kids taught me

What my older kids have taught me so far.......

Older kids make you appreciate the younger ones.

I realize now what you miss, you miss the ease of little kids where they are just happy to see you, need you, and they are easily entertained.

You miss being young yourself.

For me I find freedom when they move out. Decisions they make are their own. I'm an out of sight out of mind type person. For example my daughter could stop by before a party, once she leaves I don't think about it. When she is living home, it's ALL I think about. Is she drinking? Will she drive? How is she getting home? Where is she? Who is she with? Is she safe?

There is nothing better than Cuddling little ones. For ex it was chilly this morning, my girls jumped in my bed and we snuggled watching tv for an hour! Hard to be cranky after that :)

I am going to put my time and energy in my younger children who still want me, need me etc..

I am taking it one day at a time.....I've hit a point in my life where I have a lot going on. I need to chill, take care of myself etc. being tired, cranky, and frazzled isn't helping me be a good mom.

I need to find healthy ways to relieve stress.....not sure with the holidays coming up I will have much luck considering food is my first choice

I'm a mom. I look like a mom, talk like a mom. I can't turn the mom off, so I'm going to embrace it. I just care too much, oh well guess my kids can say I loved them to death, it could be worse......

Here is what I know.....

Here is what I know

Parenting is HARD!! The older I get some things are becoming clearer. You know those parents you find so annoying? Guess what? They are just like you. Trying to figure out this parenting thing. You know what else? They love their kids. There is no right answer for parenting. Just like we are all different, so are our children, and what works for one, doesn't work for another.

The complaining parent, probably sometimes does wonder why she had kids. It's not all sunshine and lollipops.

The bragging parent is probably just trying to focus on the positive since she's dealing with issues you have no clue about.

The parent whose child always seems to do everything the best, probably just has parents who feel so blessed. Maybe this was their after miscarriage baby, maybe this is their miracle baby that took them years to have.

The parents who always have statistics or some article they read, might have Aspergers, or be so insecure in their parenting that the only way they feel confident is if some study backs them.

The know it all parent, is probably just trying to help you, since they went through it all alone and know how hard it is.

Lately all you hear about is bullying. How do we expect our kids to be tolerant, accepting, kind etc, when we as parents can't even let other parents raise their child as they see fit? Maybe you don't yell, great, but just because a mom yells at her kids doesn't make her a bad mom. You wouldn't let your kids play outside alone, great, but the mom that does, doesn't love her kids any less. Your kids were off the bottle, never co slept, no pacifiers or loveys, great. But the parents that do this, love their kids and it works for them.

We need to be the example. We need to encourage, and support each other. We want change for our children? We need to be the change!

Weird Place

Weird Place

It's no secret I have been struggling this last year. My oldest really did a number on me when she moved in with her boyfriend, and dropped out of college. I know it could've been worse. I know it doesn't mean I'm a bad mom. But I tell you, it has really thrown me off. I guess its because growing up she was so different. She didn't really give any signs that she would just turn on me, how she was raised and just do the opposite. I let her go. I let her fail. Now she is back home, jerk boyfriend finally out of the picture. I should be so happy, things should be back on track. Yet things are just weird. I like knowing she's home safe, away from boyfriend, but this transition to grown children is harder than a newborn to me. 

Add to that I turned 40, I have over 20 extra pounds since the twins, my in laws moved 5 minutes away, my mom is having some heart issues again, the twins suck me dry everyday, and did I mention my boys Autism, and trouble in school?

When I think about everything I'm like ok, no wonder I'm having a mid life crisis! I have become one of those women who has a lot of problems!

I have to put more of an effort these days to focus on the positive, and find my happy place. I tire more easily, I don't always feel good, and some days are just exhausting.

I have found since I started my page, and realized I was not alone, and all the wonderful women out there who are supportive, encouraging and going through the same things (yes, misery lives company LOL) have helped me tremendously.

Now I feel in sharing my journey, maybe I can help someone like so many have helped me. 

It's weird being a grown woman, and sometimes not knowing who I am, or what I want or need. It's like where did I go? Oh wait, I didn't go anywhere, I'm right here. For me being a wife and mother is everything. I am fulfilled, happy, and want for nothing. Sometimes I just need a break, and some time to refresh. Thankfully I have finally come to a place with my husband where he gets it, well at least he tries to understand it, and helps me, either with day to day, or taking over for an hour where I can leave the house, or go in my room and enjoy a long hot bath in peace.

I'm slowly coming back to my true self. I realized on vacation that you know what? I don't look that bad, I'm an older woman now it's ok. My glory days are behind me, it's my daughters time to shine. If I lose weight, I do, if not no big deal. I'm done torturing myself about it. 

I'm allowed to have bad days, good days, be cranky etc. I don't feel guilty for taking care of myself. A healthy mom is a good mom.  Some days a lot gets done, and others I'm in pjs all day, and you know what? Nothing, that's right, it's ok! Kids are still taken care of, food is on the table.

So weird place it is, and it's ok. I'm at the stage in life where every year brings new changes, and I hate change! LOL

How I survived the teen years and beyond........

I am no parenting expert, nor do I claim to be.  I'm  just going with it, day by day. I am at the point now I have a 21,19,17 and 14 yr old..This is what I have learned.........

1. You are not their friend!! 

The sooner you realize this the better. This means they don't hang out with you and your friends, and you don't know every detail about them or their friends.  You are the parent, and teens need parents not friends. Set clear boundaries and stick to them.

2. As they get older, like senior year and turning 18, you are more like a guide. Hopefully by this time time you have set clear rules and boundaries and they can start policing themselves. Like what movie should they go see, where are they going, who with and what to do. Start letting them make decisions sooner rather than later so they aren't soooo indecisive when they hit college and hopefully won't feel the need to rebel or do things "just cuz they can "

3. Parenting is a journey with an uncertain destination. 

We can't count on our kids not getting in trouble or making bad decisions just because we are good parents.There is no formula that will assure us our children will follow what we feel they should do, or whats right for them. Its their life, they decide who and what they will be when they grow up.

4. Dating. 

I don't think we should just prepare our children for the "one" . I think they should date around and get to know different types of boys/girls to even figure out what type of person they are attracted to. I think real dating like alone time should wait until junior/senior year. They can play their little games at school, go to some dances and proms, but probably junior year a real boyfriend who comes over and they go on real dates like the movies and then come home. Of course you know your child best, how responsible and mature they are and what they can handle. 

5. They should work close to home.

Just in case you need to check on things or if they need a ride etc. Also they should come home from work then go out. For example, no working 1/2 hr to 45 minutes away, changing at work, or someone's house, then going out. That would mean some days you didn't see your kid until midnight! Even if you never check on them, they need to know you CAN and WILL if necessary.

6. Don't waste your time with lectures and stories of your life thinking they care. 

They don't. Tell them things on a need to know basis. They will just use it to embarrass you or manipulate it for their benefit to just do what they want.For example, mom you smoked when you were my age, I'm sure you had sex before marriage, etc. Again, yes you know your child best and what you think they can handle. Just keep in mind, good kids make bad choices sometimes too.

7. Even college kids should be home by 10pm during the week and 12midnight on the weekend. 

Nothing good happens after midnight.  Of course this is subject to change, depending what is going on, how your child is adjusting, and how responsible you think they are. Keep in mind, my perspective is i still have young kids at home, my house my rules, and  you will not just come and go,this is not a hotel.

8. Back to dating.. You don't need to see your boyfriend/girlfriend everyday. Date on the weekends. Protect your relationship, your integrity and your purity. Limit alone time. At the very least have self respect. If he/she really loves you he won't take you away from your family, make you do things you wouldn't normally do or aren't ready for. These things should be discussed at the beginning of the relationship and if purity is something of importance to you he/she should respect that. Yes maybe a little "old fashioned" but as you are well aware of, there is PLENTY of time for all that. How about becoming all you can be, then settling down when you are both ready.

9. When they do move out try not to nag and make it harder. 

They like to live in fantasy island where things magically work out. Just tell them what you think once and say now you can not come to me later in life and say you never told me or didn't try to save me etc. For example sometimes kids move out on a whim with an I will show you attitude and not plan anything. Of course it is only a matter of time until money runs out and they are homeless. LET it happen. Real life, you wanted to be an adult, now you can act like one.

10. Don't talk bad about your husband/wife to your kids. 

Make sure you talk about love, how he makes you feel, his character etc. Make sure they know what to look for in someone. Someone who loves them for who they are, makes them feel safe, loved, and protected. To a certain extent, keep the fantasy alive of happily ever after. Maybe they will find it. It's not for us to choose for them.

What I do to save money

Money saving tips 

I have been blessed to stay home all these years raising my children on one salary. Times are tough, and it's not easy. I would have to say one of the hardest things to keep in budget is food. It's soooo expensive, and you NEED it! Here is what I do. I will keep it simple, so I don't bore you to death.  If you disagree, that's fine, just keep it respectful, this is my story.

I coupon. Not extreme, but when the weekly ad comes out, I look at it, see what is on sale, plan my dinners for the week based on the sale, and if I'm lucky I have coupons to match. Where I food shop, you can earn points to save money in gas. My mom and I use the same card and she helps me build my savings, which works out great since I drive a Suburban!

We don't always have meat with dinner, we eat leftovers, and sometimes it's just pasta, or Mac and cheese, or sandwiches and soup, and the kids fave pancakes for dinner.

My kids don't get allowance. I'm pretty "old school" as my oldest puts it, and you behave, and do chores because you're supposed to, not because you get paid to. 

My kids don't get a cell phone until HS. It works out since so far one is getting her own plan, and we pass phones down. For ex drama queens first phone was a pink razor. Over the summer her sister gave her, her old phone. No data, just a phone with unlimited texting.

We don't give presents throughout the year. Sometimes, depending what they choose for their birthday, their present is the party.

We make homemade gifts, regift, or sometimes we just cook each other something special.

Christmas they get gifts, but obviously having so many kids they get 4 presents each. 

We rarely go out as a family. Sometimes we have a girls day, boys day, or just take a couple kids out. Mc Donald's ends up being a big deal, since it's so cheap.

For as long as I can I shop at used clothes stores. Especially for the twins! Toys, clothes etc. then when they are older I always ask family to get them clothes for their birthday and Christmas. Usually at Christmas my mom buys them their own name brand hair products! It's such a big deal to them, it's awesome! I shop at kohls when I have a % off of at least 20% , and they buy the clearance clothes.

I always plan ahead. At the end of each holiday, Halloween, Christmas etc...when everything goes on clearance I buy it. Even if I don't have the money, I find it somehow, since I know when the holiday comes up, I won't be able to buy at full price. For ex. Halloween is coming up, and I got costumes already at the end of last year. I'm not concerned with what the new trend is, and neither are my children. I also keep the costumes, they play dress up throughout the year, and on Halloween pick one to wear trick or treating.

Haircuts for the girls are like twice a year, my boy like every month, but I can get his cheap like $8!

The sports or extracurricular activities, are just the ones the school offers. I don't think kids need to be involved in 100 activities! They are kids, and around here, kids play, and use their imagination.

So it might seem a little different, or boring, but I tell you it's the complete opposite! First of all kids know  what they live, so they don't expect anything else, since no one else had it. Second, we are a party in ourselves! No matter what we are doing, it's a blast! We BBQ, swim, play games, watch movies, go to the park, and the library. I'm one blessed mama! :)

Feel free to ask any questions, or share your money savers! :)

Unrealistic expectations

Unrealistic expectations

We all have them. We like to think we don't, but we do. I never understood what it means to expect nothing, so you won't be disappointed. Is that even possible? I don't think so. Even when I don't think I'm expecting something, when nothing happens I feel let down. I think this is the major problem in all areas of our life. From marriage to parenting, to friendships, and even the expectations we put on ourselves.

Marriage, at first seems so romantic, and exciting. It's like squeeee! We are in love and going to live happily ever after. The expectations here really are so numerous I will only touch on a few or else I would write a book! The main one is how EASY it's going to be, and how my husband knows me so well, he will meet all my needs. At first you think you will FEEL in love all the time. That is until you realize wow, my husband is so annoying. It could be from the small things like, leaving a wet towel on the bed, to much bigger issues, like money, working etc. throw a few kids into the mix, and wow, suddenly all hell has broken loose! Don't even get me started on the snoring! Seriously though, marriage, is work. You need to work at it EVERYDAY! Problems won't magically disappear, and men are not mind readers. Keep the lines of communication open and explain what you want, need and how you are feeling. Men process very differently, and have no clue what you mean if you say something like, sometimes I don't know who I am, or that you're overwhelmed, or just can't seem to get a grip. Explain what you mean, and what you need help with. Men like to feel useful, and that they can fix the problem.

Ah, parenting. Again the expectations are almost endless. I will just share my own. I really expected children who would listen, were well behaved, didn't fight, and appreciated the wonderful life I gave them, not to mention would understand all I've sacrificed having them. Yeah, that sounded a lot better in my head!  Very unrealistic I now realize. Kids are just little people, who we have to teach and guide, and eventually let go into the real world. It plays out so different then you think when you are rubbing your pregnant belly! I have finally come to terms with the fact, I shouldn't expect my children to be thankful for the life they have. All they see are rules, and limits, and boundaries and what they need to be doing.

Friendships are probably the hardest for me. I don't think I have a lot of expectations, but then I obviously do since I am ALWAYS let down. I guess I just don't think it's too much to ask for someone to care about me, the way I care about them. Or be there for me when I need them. Sometimes I think it might be the kids, or I have a very involved husband, but then I think that's just BS, since if you're my friend, you should be MY friend. Not based on my parenting, or what kind if wife I am. Why do you care anyway? Maybe that's the real reason I don't have friends, I'm not looking for you to tell me what I'm doing wrong, I just want you to be there with me, going through the journey together. I think for me it's that I have a strong personality, and people don't want that, they want fluffy rainbows, and that's not me.

I probably have the highest expectations on myself. I fall short EVERYDAY! There is just not enough time in the day to do everything I ideally would want to accomplish. I have come to realize the most important thing to do is take care of myself, and not feel guilty about it. The kids, and my husband need a healthy mom and wife, and I don't mean just physically. When I'm tired, I sit down. When I don't feel like cleaning I don't. Some nights, they have sandwiches for dinner, and you know what? It's ok.....those unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves don't need to be there. Doing just enough, is ok too. :)

"Being in control of your life and having realistic expectations about your day-to-day challenges are the keys to stress management, which is perhaps the most important ingredient to living a happy, healthy and rewarding life."

Marilu Henner

 

What unrealistic expectations did you have?