Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Restless



Lately I feel a little restless I guess you would call it. I'm breathing real heavy on the big 4-0, and it's making me reflect on my life. Am I where I want to be? Am I happy? What now? I'm feeling like the having baby days are over. I always said I didn't want to be 40 and pregnant, and honestly since the twins I feel complete as a mom. They are the perfect end. Ok, one decision made, now what? Of course they are still young and I have a house full of kids, I get that. But what now for me? I have devoted the last 20 years of my life to my family. I don't really have friends, and I don't work outside the home. Does it matter? Do I need a life outside this house? Do I want a life outside this house? What would it look like? Will I regret not having a life outside this house? 
Sometimes I feel like doing something crazy. Totally out of character from what I would do. I am a very predictable person. I like routine, and do the same things all the time. I love to be home. For me, even going to Starbucks with my oldest is out of character. My husband was like, oh you're going where? Why? I can make coffee. Then I think, what would I do? What do I want to do? 
I have started making some changes, small ones, like asking for help, not cooking all the time, saying no to the kids, saying yes to the kids, working out, and you know what? It's ok. Now I wonder, what took me so long? My husband definitely knows something is up, he's never sure what kind of mood I'm in, or what I'm expecting from him. You know what else? I like it like that!
I also have the kids do more. The new rule is you do for me I do for you. Drama queen wanted to sleep out, she had to clean her room, put laundry away and clean their bathroom.
So all these things for some reason leave me feeling restless. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I know change is coming, and I don't like change? Maybe I'm just afraid. Afraid of the unknown. When I was young, I was always focused on the next thing. Having a baby, buying a house, cooking etc.  Now my children are growing up, I'm growing old, and I have no idea what the next thing is! I don't even have a clue what I want as the next thing!
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4 comments:

  1. UnknownJune 9, 2012 at 5:18 PM

    Oh Tired Mama--I SO feel your pain! I turned forty in April and with four fewer than you, I can only imagine how very tired you are! And how fulfilled! I wish I had the patience to have seven--I am losing my mind with three! As for the changes, I say, GOOD FOR YOU! You SHOULD say no and yes more, you SHOULD have everyone help more and you SHOULD do more for yourself! I made these same vows to myself and it is so hard to keep them--it is so much easier to do things yourself than to yell at others for hours to do them, right? Good luck--it sounds like you made forty your b@&@h!

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    1. UnknownJune 9, 2012 at 6:08 PM

      Thanks! It's nice to know someone gets it! :)

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  2. AmyJune 9, 2012 at 7:40 PM

    I went through something very similar when I turned 40.... I began questions, wondering what "I" wanted (what about me) my looks (every friggin gray hair, chin hair, investing in wrinkle creme, confused, certain...) i was a walking contradiction! I just turned 43 and finally I am feeling comfortable in my skin. Looking back I can see that it took what it took to get me where I am.

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    1. UnknownJune 10, 2012 at 9:53 AM

      Thanks! It gives me hope that I will get my act together! :)

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