Being a mother has been quite the journey for me. I have been a mom for 20 years now. When I think about that, honestly I can't believe it! I really enjoyed the early years. Having a house full of little kids was an amazing time in my life. I really didn't give much thought to how being a mom changes as your children get older. It's as if one day your mommy, making everything better and decisions seem so easy. Then suddenly your child is growing up, testing you in ways you didn't know existed! Everything seems to have changed overnight. I was unprepared to say the least for what having older kids would bring.
I went through a couple years of battling feelings I never thought I would have, and that left me feeling so lost. To be in a horrible place, feeling like why bother? I don't want this anymore, what did I do to myself? I have 7 children for crying out loud! I don't know if I'm going to make it...I have no idea what I'm doing! People say the problem with kids and teens today is we don't beat them, or discipline, or spank or use the belt. In my heart I know this can't be true. How can you love your kids too much? I was that kid and teen who was hit. Did I fear my mom? Yes. But I was literally afraid. I never wanted my children to feel that. I didn't want to walk by my kids and have them flinch thinking I was going to smack them. I didn't want them to never want to hug me, or be close to me. I treasure every hug from my kids. I wanted them to feel safe, and protected in my arms, never afraid of me. I loved when they were little and I could make everything all better, or when they had a nightmare and they came to me to feel safe.
This is what I figured out during these trying times. When it gets hard, it doesn't mean you can quit. It doesn't mean I can just stop being mom. What it means is, I have to dig deep. I have to keep on keeping on. I have to do what I think is best, even when the kids don't understand why. I have to love them, even when it's hard. Even on those days I feel like running away screaming I QUIT THIS MOMMY SHIT! THIS ISN'T HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE! I have to focus on what I want to teach them, how things work in this life, how to treat people, and how to be respectful even when they don't feel like it. I need to set the example, I need to well be, the MOM. Sometimes it's not about what the kids want, or keeping them happy. It's not always fun, and as I've said before its not always rewarding. My job is to care for them, guide them, and just love them and be here for them. I do hope for the day when their life comes full circle, and they understand what I was doing. I also have to realize, they may never, and it's ok. I will always be able to say well you were so wanted and so loved. I loved you and raised you the best I knew how.
So now like anything else, I'm learning to just go with it. Im re discovering the joy of mothering. Having a grown daughter, teens, tweens, and 3 year old twins, has made me realize that I will always be mom, no matter how old my children are, and it's the best part of me. This crazy, stressful life no one understands, is my reason for being here. My purpose, my joy, my every breath.
