Wednesday, March 28, 2012


Last night my father in law said to me...ever think about all you could do with your life if you weren't doing this...he was mocking me at my iPad, actually at this exact time I was messaging a friend who is going through a hard time with her life right now and I can totally relate!
I immediately said I do a lot with my life....he knew I was about to get really angry so he tried to play it off like he was joking and walked away.

I know I shouldn't even care, and he's just a jerk but it really pissed me off. I guess being a wife and raising 7 children doesn't count for much! Normally I would have an easier time shaking this off, but I'm going through a bit of a crisis lately. I've been struggling with the whole mommy thing and my self worth. I've been fighting feelings of why bother? What difference does it make? Not to mention I have not lost much weight since the twins, I feel fat as hell, old and frumpy. It certainly doesn't help to have people come in to my home insult me and my life! 
My mother in law was like oh you look so tired, are you tired? Are you ok? I'm like no more than usual. While in my head I'm like thanks a lot for telling me I look like shit! I even showered, had real clothes and make up on!!!!!!!

It's times like this that I have to dig deep, look at my beautiful babes and say, they are worth it, even if I'm not feeling it. They need me. They all need a mom who is here for them. So I'm trying my best to shake it off and move on.....

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

My ode to motivation...

Oh motivation where did you go?
Why did you leave when I need you so.

You left me like your friend sleep
When I thought you were mine to keep.

I thought you would always be there,
Now I guess you don't even care.

Is there a way to get you back?
some days I feel like I might crack.

Oh motivation, please come back to me,
I don't know if I can live without thee.

I need your help to handle all my daily crap
It feels like I'm  stuck in a trap.

What will I do without you
I fear I will turn into a shrew.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Showing off.......

Women really crack me up sometimes. They get so caught up in comparing EVERYTHING!! Especially kids. Sometimes when I'm out with the twins people think they are my only kids. I don't really care enough to correct it. We are at the library, the park or somewhere like Target. Of course we start chatting it up a little, and they have the most amazing child ever! Did everything early blah blah. This is when I say, yeah I will probably be one of those moron moms who have 4 yr olds with binkys! I mean they are still in a crib and have one bottle a day. I see the look of horror on her face and that's when I say well if it makes a difference they are potty trained! By this time she walks away! LOL....I am so over the comparing! I have been there done that. I remember when my oldest was 2 I was like ok sing the ABC's . Did you know she can even count to 5 in Spanish? Soooo ridiculous! Who cares? I see on my personal FB videos of family member kids doing the exact same stuff. So lame.  I have the full range over here. Really smart to really behind. I have the kid who started kindergarten reading, and the one who could only recognize three letters until around second grade. So now instead of comparing, I just try to be understanding and sympathetic.  To give the moms i come in contact with everything i wanted as a young mom. You know what i want to know? Not what your child is doing, i want to know how you do it. How do you keep it all going. Where do you find time for yourself? How do you keep up with all the roles we have. Wife, mother, daughter, friend, teacher, nurse, taxi, and being you somewhere in there. Life is so hard as it is and on top of that being a wife and mother is the hardest thing I have to do.

Why oh why........

The whys of my mind continue..... Why does everyone sleep later on a Monday morning when we have to get up for school? Why is it that I have polite appropriate toddlers and have to prompt my 14 yr old all day? Why is my 14 yr old is such a drama queen? She will over do her make up, not listen to me, then go to school and when she doesn't get the reaction she was looking for decide she hates her life. Why do my in laws just stop by? Why won't my husband say anything? Why do the in laws have to comment on everything? Why can't they mind their own dam business? Why are they buying a house 5 minutes away from us? Why does everything fall to me? Why can't I lose weight? Why can't I stop eating? Why do I care? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, ok better now :)

Monday, March 19, 2012

Letting go.....

So I evidently have a problem with control. Many people have told me so and I'm like no I don't. I justify,  make excuses, and say I'm a realist. Well I guess it's true I do have a problem with control. I'm starting to realize I need to focus on the things I can control and not the things I can't.  I can control what i say and what i do.  It seems our job as moms  is to do our best, and provide for our children's needs. This is where it gets complicated. When they are young of course it is our job to control their environment. We keep them safe, from gates to what and how much TV they watch. As they get older the letting go starts. They go to school, they are surrounded by other influences. You do your best to control the home environment to keep them safe, feeling loved and protected.  Then one day they are an adult and want to make their own decisions. You understand intellectually, but your feelings, and the whole mom thing blur the boundaries. So now where do we go from here? I guess this is when the letting go begins... Well it seems that letting go means not giving your daughter advice every time she calls or comes over. Letting go means she needs to make her own choices, whether we approve or not. Letting go means you have absolutely NO CONTROL over anything your daughter does or doesn't do. It finally hit me like a ton of bricks today.....I NEVER had CONTROL to begin with! I mean really, who do I think I am? I can not control anyone but MYSELF! I am FREE!! If I have no control and I am not expected to, then I am FREE!! I just need to  be there for my daughter when she needs me. It doesn't matter what other family members think or other people.  For me, it's all about relationships. And you know what? I was starting to kill the relationship with my oldest. This is unacceptable to me. I will not lose my daughter based on the fact she's not doing what I want or what I thought. It's her life, I raised her the best I can and I LOVE her!

Learning to let go of the WHY

As parents, moms specifically, do we ever get over the why? Why do the kids do the same annoying things everyday? Why do you correct the same behavior everyday? Why must you say the same things everyday? Why does it seem like all you do is try, try, try and nothing changes? Why does everything fall to us? Why is the unspoken rule that we handle everything? Why is it we can't have a day to be sad, cranky, moody or just tired? Because you know when you do all hell breaks loose, from the kids acting up to the husband! Then the big issues like why does your child choose to rebel? What could you do differently? Why would she waste her time with such a loser? Why would she turn from everything she knew? Why would she drop out of college? Why would she settle for so little? Why can't I seem to get a grip? Why can't I just let go, and not care so much? Why does it make me feel like my life is a joke now? Why does it make me feel so bad? Why does it make me feel like a bad mom?

Friday, March 9, 2012

Sunshine Award

You know it happens at your house too gave me this awesome award!
The sunshine award. I can't figure out how to get pics on here but here are the rules

1. Include the award's logo in a post or on your blog. 
2.  Answer 10 questions about yourself.
3.  Nominate other fabulous bloggers.
4.  Link your nominees to the post and comment on their blogs, letting them know that they have been nominated. 
5.  Share the Love and link back to the person who

1.  What is your favorite color?  Purple.  Purple makes me happy.  I even wear purple eyeliner and eye shadow!

2.  What is your favorite animal?  I really don't have one, but dogs are ok

3.  Favorite Non-Alcoholic Drink?  Coffee! I love it, hot, iced, at home Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts...I have at least 4 cups a day :)

4.  What is your favorite number?  3 it was when I started dating my husband and then our anniversary is July 3

5.  Facebook or Twitter?  I am a Facebook addict. The last thing I need is something else! Thats why I haven't even went on Pinterest.

6.  What is your passion?  My family. It's everything to me!

7.  What is your favorite pattern?  Hmmmmm, I don't have one

8.  Favorite day of the week?  You know what's funny? Being a stay at home mom, everyday is the same! But I would say Saturday. No school, we are all together and the kids can stay up,later so less hassle

9.  Favorite Flower?  I would say red roses. When my husband and I were dating, every time he bought a pack of cigarettes, he also bought me a red rose. Now I get some on Valentines Day :)

10.  Give or Get Presents? ..I would say get presents. I rarely get them so when I do it means a lot!

My Nominations:  This is so hard for me.  I don't want to leave out any of the wonderful blogs I have started reading. 

1.  HomemStyle Mama with a side of Autism I love following her, she has helped me more than she probably knows with my son :)
2. My crazy life, ramblings of a mom I feel like we are at the same stage in life, and are having a hard time with it. It's great how we encourage each other.
3. Overworked super mom I just started following her and I like everything she has to say. She has such a way with words like I just want to be heard.
4. Retro Wifey she probably doesn't even realize that she's helping me find the joy in being a homemaker again.
5. Ancora Impartial I just started following. They have twins too! Very funny and wife does some blogs too :)
6. Paranthood I think I like her because if I ever cut loose with my mouth, I would say what she does! She's hilarious and very outspoken!

Monday, March 5, 2012

My dream for a day

I woke up to the usual chaos of the morning, got the kids out to school and i decided to go for a walk. After I wrestled the twins into the double stroller making the belts as tight as possible off we went. While I was walking I was day dreaming about the perfect day. A day of no resistance.....picture this..

Good Morning........good morning mom I hope you slept well

Kids it's time to get ready for school........okay mom
Did you brush your teeth?..........of course mom
You need to brush your hair.......alright mom I'm doing it now
What do you want for breakfast?..........anything you make mom, your breakfast is the best
As they are sitting at the table....laughing, polite conversation, helping each other
Ok get your shoes on its almost time to go........okay mom
Let's get in the car........everyone calmly takes their seat, no fighting about who is sitting where, and who is touching or breathing on who
Have a nice too mom, I will miss you. Kiss kiss
Okay girls let's go........they actually get out of the car and come inside without one throwing a tantrum, losing a shoe, wanting a binky etc
Want to go for a walk?..........they get right in stroller, enjoy the walk, not throwing anything like their shoes or whatever toy they convinced me to bring

It's the afternoon now

They eat their whole lunch without throwing any food off the high chair
They don't run in the bathroom 500 times, they don't put their hands in the potty, they don't undress
No temper tantrums!!
Time to get kids from school

Hi kids how was your day?.........we had a great day....again no fighting about who is sitting where, no name calling
Everyone gets out of the car, helping each other making sure we have babes and back packs
Ok time for some homework.......ok mom I will get it
Sitting calmly and quietly at the table getting homework done. It actually doesn't take long at all since we are helping each and there wasn't one melt down!!
They are watching TV and agree on what to watch
Time for dinner.....okay mom, the TV is immediately turned off
Wow mom! This dinner looks delicious!! I can't wait to eat it
Mmmmmmmm, thanks mom, you are the best. I think you are the best cook who ever lived!!
Everyone helps clean the table, even the babes and high chairs!
It's been such a great day I feel like playing a game with the one is fighting, no none took the others turn, we all congratulate the winner!!!
Shower time!!! Ok mom I will go first so it doesn't get late
We enjoy a family TV show, we all laugh
Time for bed....ok mom.....oh wait I have to brush my teeth and go potty first
There is no fighting, everyone is in their bed waiting for a hug and kiss
Good night my loves, what an awesome day!!! Kiss kiss
Now I get time with my hubby, watching whatever we want. The older girls decide you know what? I feel like going to bed early
Ok girls!! Love you pleasant dreams!! See you in the morning

Ahhhhhhhh, one can dream huh?

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Yep I'm weird too!

It's funny how we see our kids and their quirks and we wonder where they get it from!
Here are some of mine :

I don't like crowds. I feel like people are taking my breath away
I have to sit at the end of the row at the movies or anywhere there is that type of seating so I don't feel trapped
I love crazy socks
I'm a germ freak, if I have to go into a public restroom when I wash my hands I use the paper towel to open the door
I hate hugs, guess that goes with I don't like people touching me or sitting too close to me. I will get up if you are too close and I go stiff when you hug me
I hate crumbs on the floor or the counter. I will go on my hands and knees to wipe crumbs after everyone eats allll dayyyyy long
I can't have any cabinets or dresser drawers open. I will close them. My family often tests me by leaving a shirt sticking out of their dresser and I have to tuck it in and close the drawer
I love coffee
I like silence. When I am blessed to have even 10 minutes everything is turned off no tv or radio on
I am a neat freak. I clean everyday. Everything has a place. You can only leave one pair of shoes by the front door. I have come along way. I can look in my kids rooms now leave a toy on the floor and their bed lumpy.
I hate dishes in the sink
I love food
I hate going to the doctor..main reason they weigh me and touch me
I don't like to drive...anywhere really but I have created this tiny safe circle I,library,food store
I don't like change, I like routine, it's been so hard for me to come to grips with the fact life is always changing and moving forward
I love my life, my husband and children are everything to me! They make my life worth living
I'm afraid to die