Monday, October 15, 2012

Weird Place

Weird Place

It's no secret I have been struggling this last year. My oldest really did a number on me when she moved in with her boyfriend, and dropped out of college. I know it could've been worse. I know it doesn't mean I'm a bad mom. But I tell you, it has really thrown me off. I guess its because growing up she was so different. She didn't really give any signs that she would just turn on me, how she was raised and just do the opposite. I let her go. I let her fail. Now she is back home, jerk boyfriend finally out of the picture. I should be so happy, things should be back on track. Yet things are just weird. I like knowing she's home safe, away from boyfriend, but this transition to grown children is harder than a newborn to me. 
Add to that I turned 40, I have over 20 extra pounds since the twins, my in laws moved 5 minutes away, my mom is having some heart issues again, the twins suck me dry everyday, and did I mention my boys Autism, and trouble in school?
When I think about everything I'm like ok, no wonder I'm having a mid life crisis! I have become one of those women who has a lot of problems!
I have to put more of an effort these days to focus on the positive, and find my happy place. I tire more easily, I don't always feel good, and some days are just exhausting.
I have found since I started my page, and realized I was not alone, and all the wonderful women out there who are supportive, encouraging and going through the same things (yes, misery lives company LOL) have helped me tremendously.
Now I feel in sharing my journey, maybe I can help someone like so many have helped me. 
It's weird being a grown woman, and sometimes not knowing who I am, or what I want or need. It's like where did I go? Oh wait, I didn't go anywhere, I'm right here. For me being a wife and mother is everything. I am fulfilled, happy, and want for nothing. Sometimes I just need a break, and some time to refresh. Thankfully I have finally come to a place with my husband where he gets it, well at least he tries to understand it, and helps me, either with day to day, or taking over for an hour where I can leave the house, or go in my room and enjoy a long hot bath in peace.
I'm slowly coming back to my true self. I realized on vacation that you know what? I don't look that bad, I'm an older woman now it's ok. My glory days are behind me, it's my daughters time to shine. If I lose weight, I do, if not no big deal. I'm done torturing myself about it. 
I'm allowed to have bad days, good days, be cranky etc. I don't feel guilty for taking care of myself. A healthy mom is a good mom.  Some days a lot gets done, and others I'm in pjs all day, and you know what? Nothing, that's right, it's ok! Kids are still taken care of, food is on the table.
So weird place it is, and it's ok. I'm at the stage in life where every year brings new changes, and I hate change! LOL