Monday, February 25, 2013

A mothers love

Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a mom. I couldn't wait to have children. For me being an only child was lonely. I always wished I had a brother or sister. My dad remarried and had kids, but it wasn't the same, I didn't grow up with them plus I lived with my mom and she only had me. I always knew I would have a big family.
When I started having children, I never really thought about when they got older. Teenagers seem so far away when you're pregnant, and when you're dealing with toddlers, preschoolers and a newborn, you're so overwhelmed there is a part of you that can't wait for them to get older. Then one day, it feels like it happens overnight, you have a house full of older children! When you really look at them you're amazed! They're so grown up, beautiful, smart, you are so in awe of them, and the fact you had a part in who they are. Now is when you want to spend time with them, talk to them, get to know them. But this is not what actually happens.
Intellectually, you understand. This is their time, their life, their time to shine, make good choices, make mistakes, get hurt, and learn about life. This is the time I was most unprepared for. I didn't realize how much letting them go would hurt. I didn't realize how much seeing them hurt, or make a bad decision, would effect me. I never felt heartache like that before. I didn't think about how they would rather be anywhere but home. How they would have a boyfriend, how I would have to let them go, how another family would be a part of their life. Someone else cooking for them, spending time with MY babes!
I wasn't close to my parents because they couldn't be bothered. I figured when I had kids everything would be different. I would be close to my kids, and they would be close to me. I guess I thought they would want to hang out at home.
I thought they would be nicer to each other, be closer. I have talked to plenty of people and it's normal, this stage of life is right on track. I'm just off track about it! Things will turn around I'm sure, as far as kids go we are close, I guess I'm just really possessive of what's mine.
This mid life older kids, adult children is a whole new world. I can say when they want to hang out, I'm there! It makes me wonder, maybe working moms, and moms who have kept friendships and have a life outside the house have it easier. All I know is I'm soooo glad I have my littles. I just told my hubby, I'm so thankful you gave in to me and had all these kids. I'm nowhere near ready for an empty nest!