Thursday, February 28, 2013

So I had to admit something to myself today.......

I think I've been so focused on how hard the twins are because I really can't believe my having baby days are behind me. I'm breathing heavy on 41, my oldest will be 20 in a few weeks, and I have 7 children. My husband is more than done, my body is done, and we can't afford to have anymore. I know all this, I've come to terms with it, I myself feel done, I just can't believe I'm done! Sounds crazy I know, but I just love having kids, and can't imagine my life without little ones running around. This is all I've known the last 20 years! I know everyone talks about freedom, and spending time with the husband but I just can't picture it. I think part of me is afraid. My identity is wrapped up in the children. Is this bad? I don't know, I go back and forth on this one. Sometimes I think I should have a life outside this house, but the truth is I don't want one! I don't have any regrets. I don't regret not going to college or having a career. I actually just wish I could relive the last 20 years! Getting older scares me, it's all so unknown...what will I do? Do I have to do anything? Everything is changing so fast, sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.
I'm taking my own advice, slowing down and enjoying everything! Every annoying, frustrating, minute! From washing the crayon off the walls, to those sweet snuggles I still get. For right now all 7 are home. I love it, it feels complete. By summer 2 will probably move out, but for now, I'm not thinking about it.
I'm slowly doing more for myself, finding myself again, asking for help. If I'm not showered, the house is not clean, but I hugged all my babes and told them I love them, talked to them, laughed with them, then it was a productive day. Not everyone understands, but it's ok. I'm living life the only way I know how, being here for my family, and I wouldn't want it any other way.