Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Mid life have you feeling rebellious?

Feelings ebb and flow. Now that we are older our hormones are fluctuating getting us ready for menopause. How exciting huh? And we thought being a teenager was hard! Ha! Add to that most of us have been at the wife and mom thing a long time now. Our emotions are on over drive, kinda like when we were pregnant, we just don't have a good excuse now. Now add in the day to day....get up, get kids ready, school, HW, cooking cleaning, sickness, the never ending wiping from the floor to little butts! Add to that some of us like myself have the uh, joy of adult children. With everything magnified, we feel over worked, under paid, taken advantage of and we have no time for ourselves. If that's not bad enough, we sleep like shit! If the kids aren't waking us up, it's the husband snoring. If its not that, our mind won't turn off. If not that you might have some insomnia. And on and on and on it goes. This vicious life sucking hole. All we really want is a break, to feel good about ourselves and some appreciation. Do we get that? Uh no. If you're cranky, you get what the hell is your problem? If your emotional you get, ok, ok, just don't cry. If you lean more towards the angry bitch like myself, you get, I'm so tired of the angry. Why does everything make you mad? What do you want from me? Stop yelling.
For me personally, I have had a hard time with all of it! My daughters are so young and beautiful, and free! Sometimes I'm jealous. Not jealous like it effects our relationship, just makes me think, wow, time flies, I wish they would........and they NEVER do what I think, and it's hard to let go! Then I can be feeling pretty good, my daughter will jump in the mirror with me, and when I see our reflection I'm like, wow, I look like an old mom! I know, duh, I am. But really realizing how youth, and beauty fade does nothing for you ego. I have such a hard time losing weight, being consistent with diet and exercise. I always end up thinking who cares? I'm married with 7 children for crying out loud, what difference does it make?
At this stage, at least for me, I feel like there is nothing exciting to look forward to. You know how when you're young it's all about getting married, having kids, buying a house, watching your kids grow etc. now it's like oh joy I'm getting older, another ache and pain, where did this come from? Etc
Then I'm keeping the kids accountable, and they test and push, add to that I have 3 year old twins! To be honest most of the time I'm amazed I made it through another day!
Then the husband, maybe it is me, I guess if I'm honest, I don't know what I always want him to do, I just feel like he's not doing it! When he's around I want help. I want him to do some of the crap work. Of course he's looking to relax, he works, blah blah. Well, I work too! When is my day off?
So what ends up happening, at least to me is I rebel. Yep, like a teenager. I think well I'm just not going to do anything I don't feel like doing. I don't put my husbands clothes away, don't make him breakfast, dumb stuff. Why am I always the responsible one? Why is it on me to keep everything together? I'm TIRED! Tired of everything!
But you know what? I only end up hurting myself. My husband is annoyed with me, kids take advantage, there is strife in the home, it's a wreck, chores are piled up, appointments need to be made, we still need to eat! And so I'm snapped back to reality, that whether it is fair or not, things have to get done, and being a stay at home mom, it is my job. I did agree to it. Does this mean I don't need help? Of course not, but I need to be the example, I need to be in charge, I need to follow through and be consistent. And even when Im not always feeling that loving feeling for the kids, cleaning, the husband etc, I must choose to keep on keeping on. When I really think about it, I wouldn't want it any other way.I love the joy of being the one to see my kids milestones, to be the one who comforts them, to be the one who everyone looks to for love and support, and encouragement. I know it will be worth it in the end. :)