Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Restless



Lately I feel a little restless I guess you would call it. I'm breathing real heavy on the big 4-0, and it's making me reflect on my life. Am I where I want to be? Am I happy? What now? I'm feeling like the having baby days are over. I always said I didn't want to be 40 and pregnant, and honestly since the twins I feel complete as a mom. They are the perfect end. Ok, one decision made, now what? Of course they are still young and I have a house full of kids, I get that. But what now for me? I have devoted the last 20 years of my life to my family. I don't really have friends, and I don't work outside the home. Does it matter? Do I need a life outside this house? Do I want a life outside this house? What would it look like? Will I regret not having a life outside this house? 
Sometimes I feel like doing something crazy. Totally out of character from what I would do. I am a very predictable person. I like routine, and do the same things all the time. I love to be home. For me, even going to Starbucks with my oldest is out of character. My husband was like, oh you're going where? Why? I can make coffee. Then I think, what would I do? What do I want to do? 
I have started making some changes, small ones, like asking for help, not cooking all the time, saying no to the kids, saying yes to the kids, working out, and you know what? It's ok. Now I wonder, what took me so long? My husband definitely knows something is up, he's never sure what kind of mood I'm in, or what I'm expecting from him. You know what else? I like it like that!
I also have the kids do more. The new rule is you do for me I do for you. Drama queen wanted to sleep out, she had to clean her room, put laundry away and clean their bathroom.
So all these things for some reason leave me feeling restless. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I know change is coming, and I don't like change? Maybe I'm just afraid. Afraid of the unknown. When I was young, I was always focused on the next thing. Having a baby, buying a house, cooking etc.  Now my children are growing up, I'm growing old, and I have no idea what the next thing is! I don't even have a clue what I want as the next thing!