So I had to admit something to myself today.......

I think I've been so focused on how hard the twins are because I really can't believe my having baby days are behind me. I'm breathing heavy on 41, my oldest will be 20 in a few weeks, and I have 7 children. My husband is more than done, my body is done, and we can't afford to have anymore. I know all this, I've come to terms with it, I myself feel done, I just can't believe I'm done! Sounds crazy I know, but I just love having kids, and can't imagine my life without little ones running around. This is all I've known the last 20 years! I know everyone talks about freedom, and spending time with the husband but I just can't picture it. I think part of me is afraid. My identity is wrapped up in the children. Is this bad? I don't know, I go back and forth on this one. Sometimes I think I should have a life outside this house, but the truth is I don't want one! I don't have any regrets. I don't regret not going to college or having a career. I actually just wish I could relive the last 20 years! Getting older scares me, it's all so unknown...what will I do? Do I have to do anything? Everything is changing so fast, sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.
I'm taking my own advice, slowing down and enjoying everything! Every annoying, frustrating, minute! From washing the crayon off the walls, to those sweet snuggles I still get. For right now all 7 are home. I love it, it feels complete. By summer 2 will probably move out, but for now, I'm not thinking about it.
I'm slowly doing more for myself, finding myself again, asking for help. If I'm not showered, the house is not clean, but I hugged all my babes and told them I love them, talked to them, laughed with them, then it was a productive day. Not everyone understands, but it's ok. I'm living life the only way I know how, being here for my family, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

A mothers love

Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a mom. I couldn't wait to have children. For me being an only child was lonely. I always wished I had a brother or sister. My dad remarried and had kids, but it wasn't the same, I didn't grow up with them plus I lived with my mom and she only had me. I always knew I would have a big family.
When I started having children, I never really thought about when they got older. Teenagers seem so far away when you're pregnant, and when you're dealing with toddlers, preschoolers and a newborn, you're so overwhelmed there is a part of you that can't wait for them to get older. Then one day, it feels like it happens overnight, you have a house full of older children! When you really look at them you're amazed! They're so grown up, beautiful, smart, you are so in awe of them, and the fact you had a part in who they are. Now is when you want to spend time with them, talk to them, get to know them. But this is not what actually happens.
Intellectually, you understand. This is their time, their life, their time to shine, make good choices, make mistakes, get hurt, and learn about life. This is the time I was most unprepared for. I didn't realize how much letting them go would hurt. I didn't realize how much seeing them hurt, or make a bad decision, would effect me. I never felt heartache like that before. I didn't think about how they would rather be anywhere but home. How they would have a boyfriend, how I would have to let them go, how another family would be a part of their life. Someone else cooking for them, spending time with MY babes!
I wasn't close to my parents because they couldn't be bothered. I figured when I had kids everything would be different. I would be close to my kids, and they would be close to me. I guess I thought they would want to hang out at home.
I thought they would be nicer to each other, be closer. I have talked to plenty of people and it's normal, this stage of life is right on track. I'm just off track about it! Things will turn around I'm sure, as far as kids go we are close, I guess I'm just really possessive of what's mine.
This mid life older kids, adult children is a whole new world. I can say when they want to hang out, I'm there! It makes me wonder, maybe working moms, and moms who have kept friendships and have a life outside the house have it easier. All I know is I'm soooo glad I have my littles. I just told my hubby, I'm so thankful you gave in to me and had all these kids. I'm nowhere near ready for an empty nest!

Mid life have you feeling rebellious?

Feelings ebb and flow. Now that we are older our hormones are fluctuating getting us ready for menopause. How exciting huh? And we thought being a teenager was hard! Ha! Add to that most of us have been at the wife and mom thing a long time now. Our emotions are on over drive, kinda like when we were pregnant, we just don't have a good excuse now. Now add in the day to day....get up, get kids ready, school, HW, cooking cleaning, sickness, the never ending wiping from the floor to little butts! Add to that some of us like myself have the uh, joy of adult children. With everything magnified, we feel over worked, under paid, taken advantage of and we have no time for ourselves. If that's not bad enough, we sleep like shit! If the kids aren't waking us up, it's the husband snoring. If its not that, our mind won't turn off. If not that you might have some insomnia. And on and on and on it goes. This vicious life sucking hole. All we really want is a break, to feel good about ourselves and some appreciation. Do we get that? Uh no. If you're cranky, you get what the hell is your problem? If your emotional you get, ok, ok, just don't cry. If you lean more towards the angry bitch like myself, you get, I'm so tired of the angry. Why does everything make you mad? What do you want from me? Stop yelling.
For me personally, I have had a hard time with all of it! My daughters are so young and beautiful, and free! Sometimes I'm jealous. Not jealous like it effects our relationship, just makes me think, wow, time flies, I wish they would........and they NEVER do what I think, and it's hard to let go! Then I can be feeling pretty good, my daughter will jump in the mirror with me, and when I see our reflection I'm like, wow, I look like an old mom! I know, duh, I am. But really realizing how youth, and beauty fade does nothing for you ego. I have such a hard time losing weight, being consistent with diet and exercise. I always end up thinking who cares? I'm married with 7 children for crying out loud, what difference does it make?
At this stage, at least for me, I feel like there is nothing exciting to look forward to. You know how when you're young it's all about getting married, having kids, buying a house, watching your kids grow etc. now it's like oh joy I'm getting older, another ache and pain, where did this come from? Etc
Then I'm keeping the kids accountable, and they test and push, add to that I have 3 year old twins! To be honest most of the time I'm amazed I made it through another day!
Then the husband, maybe it is me, I guess if I'm honest, I don't know what I always want him to do, I just feel like he's not doing it! When he's around I want help. I want him to do some of the crap work. Of course he's looking to relax, he works, blah blah. Well, I work too! When is my day off?
So what ends up happening, at least to me is I rebel. Yep, like a teenager. I think well I'm just not going to do anything I don't feel like doing. I don't put my husbands clothes away, don't make him breakfast, dumb stuff. Why am I always the responsible one? Why is it on me to keep everything together? I'm TIRED! Tired of everything!
But you know what? I only end up hurting myself. My husband is annoyed with me, kids take advantage, there is strife in the home, it's a wreck, chores are piled up, appointments need to be made, we still need to eat! And so I'm snapped back to reality, that whether it is fair or not, things have to get done, and being a stay at home mom, it is my job. I did agree to it. Does this mean I don't need help? Of course not, but I need to be the example, I need to be in charge, I need to follow through and be consistent. And even when Im not always feeling that loving feeling for the kids, cleaning, the husband etc, I must choose to keep on keeping on. When I really think about it, I wouldn't want it any other way.I love the joy of being the one to see my kids milestones, to be the one who comforts them, to be the one who everyone looks to for love and support, and encouragement. I know it will be worth it in the end. :)

Respect

Respect means different things to people. I guess you can say we are an old school typical loud, tell it like it is, large Italian family. We talk about everything, have an opinion about it, discuss it, usually loudly and we will all say no I wasn't yelling!
Where I live there are not many families, or moms like me. My kids call you Mr and Mrs so and so. I have found most people don't like it, and will usually say its ok, call me by my first name. No it's not ok, it's about respect, and I expect your child to call me Mrs. We call our friends by their first name. A 5 year old is not my friend. The boy that comes to the house to pick up my daughter is not my friend. The teacher at school is not my friend, etc.
When an adult comes over, friend, family, someone new, it is appropriate to stop what you are doing, and say hello. Put your phone down, get your ass off the couch and shake hands, saying nice to meet you.
If you are a boy and you come for my daughters, you get out of your car, come to the door, come in say hello etc. Over my dead body will my daughter run out to a car beeping it's horn!
If you are at someone's house and don't like something, be polite about it. Don't say ewwww this looks gross. Try it, you might like it, and if not, just don't eat it, and say thank you anyway.
If you are a boy and are at my house for dinner, you take your hat off!
When someone is talking to you, put your phone down, and look at them
No texting during dinner
Now of course besides common courtesy, and how to treat others, respecting us as parents and your siblings is priority. If there is no respect in the home, how can they show respect when they are not?
Here is what I do in the home...
As soon as my kids can talk the prompting starts, please, thank you etc
We don't say give me, it's can I have....
The biggest thing I do which I feel really let's the kids know what's expected is we have family meetings where we sit around the table and discuss things, like rules etc. we also tell them that being a part of our family is special. We are not just out for ourselves, we work together as a team. We are a family of 9so of course everything isn't going to be your mess, or your fault, but if something needs to get done you do it anyway. Meanness is not acceptable here, angry outbursts require an apology and we honor each other in this house which means treating each other as special.
They are not allowed to say I hate you to us or their siblings. You can say its not fair, I hate the rules etc but not I hate you.
The older children sometimes like to think they are co parents, or above the rules since they are older. Um no, learn your place, you are kids, we are parents.
Ok, so of course this does not mean my kids, me or my house is perfect. Of course my kids get sassy, have bad attitudes, disrespect etc. The difference is it's not accepted, and I'm on it. Nothing bothers me more than rude kids, who don't know their place. I'm okay with being the mean mom, my kids not liking me since they are not my friends anyway, and people not understanding how I do things. Just today my sister was talking to me, and there is a lot she doesn't get. Well her kids are young right now, she will get it when it's happening and realize what I meant, one day...
this generation is really upsetting, and I don't want my kids to just not care and be like everyone else. Parents give their kids too much, too soon and wonder why at 16 they expect a car for their birthday. Or why does a 10 yr old need a smart phone? I've done some changes around here, and you know it's not just about the money. It's about respect, responsibility, sense of entitlement etc. My drama queen who is 15 no longer has a cell phone, my 17 yr old is getting switched to a regular phone. Not only am I saving $40 a month, these things are not necessity! They are luxuries, and when they can afford them for themselves, they can have them. Why are some parents working 3 jobs so their kids have material things? Or vacations? Or nice cars? What happened to just spending time together? Laughing, talking? Get crazy, play a card game, take a walk, go to the park....trust me your kids will remember that more than the iPhone you bought them.