Motherhood

Ive really been thinking about this being a "Mom" stuff lately. It means more to me than it probably should....let me give you some background....i am an only child who was part of a family and then i wasnt. My parents divorced when i was 9. My mom had to go to work so i was a latch key kid. I came home to an empty house, did my homework and started dinner. When my mom came home she was tired. I never felt like i fit in any where. Not in school not in my own family. My mom remarried when i was 13. Yeah exactly...not the best time...i felt like she made her choice. When i was 15 i met my husband. We were instant friends. We did everything together! He was so easy to talk to, i could always be myself with him. His parents were also divorced and we found what we were looking for and needed in each other. I got married right out of HS at 19. We wanted kids right away. I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I knew early on i wanted to give my kids everything i didnt have. A mom and a dad who loved each other, siblings so they will never be alone and a place they will always be loved and accepted, their safe place.

So now here i am almost 20 years later with 7 children! Yep i created an environment that I will always fit in and never be alone. The most amazing is i am blessed with 6 daughters so I will always have women in my life!
So I think for me Motherhood is like existence itself. I really dont know any other way of life. It defines me, I find my identity in it etc. I am staring to realize now that this is also kind of a problem. I don't have any balance. I'm the wife and mother and "me" somewhere I think. When I was younger I had a few older friends and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with forty year old women. Um yeah, now that I'm breathing heavy on the big 4-0 I know what their problem is! It gets old, and tiring putting everyone else's needs and wants above your own. So now here I am trying to find balance, whatever that is anyway...actually no I'm not. I've decided I have time for that. I am finding my way back to the joys of being a young mother when everything was new and exciting and fun. The joy of watching my children grow up. I am blessed to have started over and I have 2 yr old twins. I think God gave them to me to help me get a grasp on getting older and letting my kids grow up and find themselves. They are exhausting to put it mildly but the excitement in their little faces when we go for a walk, or go outside to play, or when they color,and yes even the annoying mommyyyyy look, mommyyyyy sit are bringing me back. My older children well you know, have their own life now, I don't come first. I'm not suppoesed to. As for finding myself? Yeah I'm coming back slowly.....

Full circle, well sort of....

Letting go doesn’t mean we don’t care. Letting go doesn’t mean we shut down. Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means we stop trying to do the impossible–controlling that which we cannot–and instead, focus on what is possible.
As you may have guessed this is about my oldest. Sorry if you are already bored with it, it's just all part of me finding my way back, to the mom I was, to the mom I need to be. I still have 6 kids to go and they need all of me.
She and boyfriend were over yesterday and I was really paying attention for a change. Watching them, trying to figure it all out. I hate to admit it but I think a lot of my problem has just been the letting go. She still needs me but it's changed now. She needs the friend/mom now. She needs me to be the one who accepts her for who she is now, not who I thought she was suppoesed to be. I have been with my husband a long time. We go way back to 1987...I really don't know my life without him in it anymore. Now we are getting older have all these kids, different stresses and I forgot what the love of our youth looked like. I keep trying to get my daughter to see things that really until she lives them she won't. I didn't. Maybe she's right. Why can't they be the exception to the rule like me and my husband? How could I forget how the parents reacted to us. My mom was not happy about me dropping out of college and getting married at 19. I can honestly say I don't have regrets. I love my life. Being a wife and mother is my life. Maybe she won't have regrets either. Maybe she does know what she's doing. I did. I knew what I was giving up, and I decided to marry for love. Do we have money problems? Yep! Did it stop us? Nope, we have 7 children and I stay home.
I posted something recently about history repeating itself. Some were pretty adamant about not being anything like their moms, and saying no way. Well I think it does. In sooooo many ways. But let's just go with this...if my daughter wants to be like me and recreate my life, how can I be so foolish in squashing her dreams every time I talk to her? I don't like boyfriend, but then hubby and I were talking about it. Oh how I hate to admit this, but he is a lot like hubby and ME! We all have dreams for our kids whether we like to admit it or not. I'm just dealing with letting mine die, so she can have her own....

Getting older

Getting older sure isn't how I pictured it at all! To be honest I'm having a hard time even thinking something positive about it. Everything is harder now. Every decision has so much riding on it. Will it benefit me? My hubby? The kids? Am I sure I want to? Losing weight is a joke, sleeping is the worst! If it's not a kid waking me up it's the hubby snoring. If everyone is actually sleeping, I can't fall asleep or I will wake up 20 times! I have found a few gray hairs! My mom jokes in the next five years I will be bald since I pull them out! TMI alert..my period is so heavy now! I get cramps and it just wipes me out. I'm officially the old mom now. I dropped my son at his friends house and I thought the dad was his older brother! I look in the mirror and I see a mom. I know it sounds silly but it's weird how you just end up here. When you are young and the kids are young you really aren't thinking about much. You are just going through the motions of life, starting your family etc.Everything is new and exciting. You just got a house, kids starting school. Then one day it happens. Suddenly you realize your kids are growing up and you really look in the mirror. WOW! When did I get old? I like to think I'm 28 in my head but with my daughter turning 19 I'm smacked to reality. This school year is flying by and next year my daughter will be a senior and my next in HS! It's crazy how fast it really all goes. So now I guess you would say I'm having a little mid life crisis. It's been hard coming to terms with older children and me being older. My glory days are behind me...so now I'm finding my way back. To the joys of my younger years. Being content with being the best homemaker I can be. I have been blessed to have the full range, and I am so thankful for my little ones. I figure by the time they are in HS I will officially be old, have some grandchildren and be ready for that next phase in life. As for now I'm still trying to hang on....

I'm finding my way back....

I started this blog so I could rant, and complain and justify my anger. Then you know what happened? As I typed certain things, I found myself hitting the delete button. I thought if I read this I would just see a complaining, whining bitch! Is that really who I am? Is that who I want to be? Is that who I want my children to see? Or to be like? Honestly it all started about a year ago when my oldest was graduating HS. Suddenly everything was changing. She was saying and doing things I never thought she would. I was left feeling like why did I bother all those years training her, talking to her, guiding her, trying to protect her from bad things, bad people etc. letting go has been the hardest thing in my life so far. Even now I struggle constantly with guilt. Was it me? Am I just not a good enough mother? Did I set a bad example? And so on and so on. Now some time has passed I still have a house full of children who need a mother. One who cares for them, loves them, makes a nice home for them. Listens to them, who needs to be here for them, really be here you know? So now I am finding my way back. Trying to focus on what's important. What I feel I've been called to do with my life. Who ever said being a wife and mother was going to be easy? How could I be so foolish as to ever think so?

Double standards

We all live with them even if you don't think you do. Here are the most common ones:

Hubby makes plans goes out
We are fine we deal, no problem
We go out..
Hubby cranky, needs to be praised for watching his own children, and on top of that we set everything up so we can leave the house for 2 hours!

Hubby is in a bad/cranky mood
We ask are you ok? Is there anything I can do? And then we even make the kids behave give daddy some space, and make the whole day better for him.
We are in a bad mood/cranky
Hubby is like what the hell is your problem? Do you have your period?! The kids act like shit, and the whole day is one big suck fest

Hubby is making a phone call, he even goes out back to talk
We keep kids quiet and leave him alone
We make phone call..who are you talking to? All hell starts breaking loose and we have to hang up

Hubby is taking a shower
We give him privacy and keep kids out of bathroom
We take shower..kids come in ask what are you doing as the shower curtain flings open, and if we are really lucky hubby sits on toilet to talk!

Hubby bought something, not a large expense but still
We are like oh that's nice, he does work his ass off, he deserves something for himself
We buy something..usually it is for the kids, or the house, or something to eat even..hubby can't figure out why you spent extra money on something!

Hubby needs to make an appointment, hair cut, doctor, dentist etc
We set up the appointment for him! And half the time he has the nerve to say its not a good time! What?! Make your own damn appointment then!
We make an appointment for ourselves or the kids, he can't help or watch the kids!

Hubby...what's for dinner?
We say excitedly I cooked tonight! How's meatloaf, mashed potatoes green beans sound?
Hubby..oh I was actually in the mood for pizza
We say not tonight I cooked! When we really mean WTF? You couldnt have told me that earlier? I wouldn't have cooked!

Hubby is trying to get some work done on the computer
We let him be, keep kids away, make dinner etc
We want some uninterupted computer time, um yeah when the kids go to bed, if we're lucky!

We have been up all week with a sick baby..barely sleeping
Hubby..why are you so tired and cranky? What's for dinner?
We long to sleep
Hubby sleeps in on Saturday

Kids..MOMMMM can I...
We say ask your father
kids say we did he said ask you!




And on and on it goes.. I wish someone would smooth the way for me...for just a day even...