Motherhood

Ive really been thinking about this being a "Mom" stuff lately. It means more to me than it probably should....let me give you some background....i am an only child who was part of a family and then i wasnt. My parents divorced when i was 9. My mom had to go to work so i was a latch key kid. I came home to an empty house, did my homework and started dinner. When my mom came home she was tired. I never felt like i fit in any where. Not in school not in my own family. My mom remarried when i was 13. Yeah exactly...not the best time...i felt like she made her choice. When i was 15 i met my husband. We were instant friends. We did everything together! He was so easy to talk to, i could always be myself with him. His parents were also divorced and we found what we were looking for and needed in each other. I got married right out of HS at 19. We wanted kids right away. I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I knew early on i wanted to give my kids everything i didnt have. A mom and a dad who loved each other, siblings so they will never be alone and a place they will always be loved and accepted, their safe place.

So now here i am almost 20 years later with 7 children! Yep i created an environment that I will always fit in and never be alone. The most amazing is i am blessed with 6 daughters so I will always have women in my life!
So I think for me Motherhood is like existence itself. I really dont know any other way of life. It defines me, I find my identity in it etc. I am staring to realize now that this is also kind of a problem. I don't have any balance. I'm the wife and mother and "me" somewhere I think. When I was younger I had a few older friends and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with forty year old women. Um yeah, now that I'm breathing heavy on the big 4-0 I know what their problem is! It gets old, and tiring putting everyone else's needs and wants above your own. So now here I am trying to find balance, whatever that is anyway...actually no I'm not. I've decided I have time for that. I am finding my way back to the joys of being a young mother when everything was new and exciting and fun. The joy of watching my children grow up. I am blessed to have started over and I have 2 yr old twins. I think God gave them to me to help me get a grasp on getting older and letting my kids grow up and find themselves. They are exhausting to put it mildly but the excitement in their little faces when we go for a walk, or go outside to play, or when they color,and yes even the annoying mommyyyyy look, mommyyyyy sit are bringing me back. My older children well you know, have their own life now, I don't come first. I'm not suppoesed to. As for finding myself? Yeah I'm coming back slowly.....