Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Mommy guilt

I read a great blog this morning by my friend Homestyle Mama with a side of Autism about the words we say. This is not the first time she's spoken about this. I guess it really got me today because I just had one of those cranky mornings that I just blew it. The kids were driving me crazy and I finally just yelled SHUT UP! Just SHUT UP, don't talk, cut the crap. Yeah I know, not the nicest thing to hear while you are eating breakfast. 
In her blog she wrote about words she can still hear her mom saying. I paused, and immediately words came back to me. Not nice words. The worst was,  I love you, but I don't like you.  Do you know to this day, i still feel like no one likes me? I have the hardest time with women. I dont even know sometimes what someone could do to prove to me they like me. Followed by the comments about my weight. To this day, I am NEVER satisfied by my weight. I try and make sure my girls have a healthy body image, but i need to stop with the negative comments about myself that they hear me say. It made me wonder, what tapes have I started for my children? My 14 yr old I know remembers all the mean stuff I say, she says it back often enough.
 I spent the time a couple months ago to make index cards for my kids about all the nice things I think about them. As usual I didn't get the reaction I was hoping for, but that wasn't the point. My oldest moved out recently, and I am having the hardest time letting go of the mommy guilt. Was it me? Did I say too much? Too little? Where did it all go wrong? It wasn't the yay my daughters in college moving out. It was the my house my rules kind of move out. It was full rebellion that I couldn't subject the younger ones to. 
I have come to the realization that this mommy stuff is HARD!! There is no one way, right way, magic formula that we as moms can use.  There are times we are going to blow it. There are times where we will feel like we blew it. Guess what? Its ok. Relax, breathe. All we can do is the best we can do. When you blow it? Apologize.  I have had to overcome a lot over the years, between my childhood, or lack there of, and balancing a large family with all different types of personalities. As I said my oldest moved out. Guess what? She still loves me even though I can be mean, and she still thinks of my house as her home. She visits every week and calls me almost everyday.
There comes the time when we have to let the mommy guilt go. It's not healthy for anyone, especially us. So like Homestyle Mama said, let's choose our words more carefully, and make sure our kids have tapes of their moms praise in their heads,  for life!!