Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Mommy guilt

I read a great blog this morning by my friend Homestyle Mama with a side of Autism about the words we say. This is not the first time she's spoken about this. I guess it really got me today because I just had one of those cranky mornings that I just blew it. The kids were driving me crazy and I finally just yelled SHUT UP! Just SHUT UP, don't talk, cut the crap. Yeah I know, not the nicest thing to hear while you are eating breakfast. 
In her blog she wrote about words she can still hear her mom saying. I paused, and immediately words came back to me. Not nice words. The worst was,  I love you, but I don't like you.  Do you know to this day, i still feel like no one likes me? I have the hardest time with women. I dont even know sometimes what someone could do to prove to me they like me. Followed by the comments about my weight. To this day, I am NEVER satisfied by my weight. I try and make sure my girls have a healthy body image, but i need to stop with the negative comments about myself that they hear me say. It made me wonder, what tapes have I started for my children? My 14 yr old I know remembers all the mean stuff I say, she says it back often enough.
 I spent the time a couple months ago to make index cards for my kids about all the nice things I think about them. As usual I didn't get the reaction I was hoping for, but that wasn't the point. My oldest moved out recently, and I am having the hardest time letting go of the mommy guilt. Was it me? Did I say too much? Too little? Where did it all go wrong? It wasn't the yay my daughters in college moving out. It was the my house my rules kind of move out. It was full rebellion that I couldn't subject the younger ones to. 
I have come to the realization that this mommy stuff is HARD!! There is no one way, right way, magic formula that we as moms can use.  There are times we are going to blow it. There are times where we will feel like we blew it. Guess what? Its ok. Relax, breathe. All we can do is the best we can do. When you blow it? Apologize.  I have had to overcome a lot over the years, between my childhood, or lack there of, and balancing a large family with all different types of personalities. As I said my oldest moved out. Guess what? She still loves me even though I can be mean, and she still thinks of my house as her home. She visits every week and calls me almost everyday.
There comes the time when we have to let the mommy guilt go. It's not healthy for anyone, especially us. So like Homestyle Mama said, let's choose our words more carefully, and make sure our kids have tapes of their moms praise in their heads,  for life!!


  1. Aw, you about made me cry. I bet, more than they will ever let you know, the words you wrote on those cards are cherished. Even if they don't have the cards in their hands, you wrote the words in their minds, on their hearts. I don't think you shoved your daughter out the door, I think you gave her the independence to think she can do it on her own and the confidence to do it with the knowledge that you are her safety net and no matter what, "home" will always be with you.

  2. Love you mama! Don't be too hard on yourself. You are such a sweet lady and I am so glad I met you :) You make me think and I love it.

  3. Oh my gosh... I've been feeling the same way. I feel so bad when I lose my cool and yell at my kids, both of which have autism and other issues. So, logically I KNOW they're not deliberately trying to drive me crazy, but sometimes I can't help how I feel. Then I remember times when my mother yelled at me. The worst one for me was, "I love you, but you're not my favorite child." Ouch... till this day I still feel like I need her approval. I think maybe it's time for me to go to my doc for a "happy pill" - just so I don't get so upset with my kids. I don't want them to look back on their childhood and only remember yelling =(

  4. Everyone has moments where they get to the end of their rope. It's all in how you deal with it. We are human, and not a single one of us will handle things perfectly every time. The important thing to remember is when we find ourselves getting to this point is to stop and apologize for our inappropriate behavior. Very glad I've gotten to know you, and don't be too hard on yourself, you are after all just one against seven ;)