Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Enduring



Enduring : patient; long-suffering.

 A mothers love is enduring. 

 I wanted to be a mother my whole life. I always wanted a lot of children. My mom was a working mom and I grew up as an only child. I was alone, and lonely all the time. So of course I got into trouble. Lots of it. From living with my mom, then my dad, to blowing curfew and coming home drunk. I felt justified in my decisions. My parents divorced and I felt abandoned, and lost. 
I wanted to be the most awesome mom ever. Giving my kids everything I never had. A stay at home mom to make cookies and come to all my school events, and siblings so they would always have each other. I never bothered thinking about college, or what I would want to do. My dreams were always being a wife and mother. 
I had kids young, right after getting married. I was 20 when I had my first, and 37 when I had the twins. It was amazing from day one. Sleepless nights didn't really bother me since I stayed home. My third pregnancy was a little rough and adjusting to 3 was hard. Once we had 3, the rest just blended right in. 
When we had 5 kids a friend said to me, wow you run a tight ship around here, I would love to see how it is when you have all teenagers! Of course I thought to myself, well it will be the same tight ship. 
Fast forward, I now have 7 children ages 18, 15 1/2, 13 1/2, 10 1/2 , 7 1/2, 18 month old twins. This is when being "one tired mama" all started. Oldest was graduating HS, being rebellious, my 13 year old well was 13, my boy was being tested and I was coming to terms with that, my 7 year old was still not to happy about the twins and well the twins just threw me over the edge!
I never gave any thought to the future, like how life would look having older children. I guess I just assumed growing up in a loving in tact family would make a difference. I didn't realize kids are just kids, and they make bad choices and decisions.  I am a very strong, outspoken woman. It never occurred to me that my daughter could turn out so very different from me. She is in a very bad, dysfunctional relationship. I am consumed with the why? Why him? How can she settle for so little? How can she not see that he really doesn't love her? How does she not know what love is? Why wouldn't she want what I have with her dad? 
This brings me to the present. A mothers love is enduring. I talk to her and try to keep quiet. Sometimes like today I hang up the phone and just cry. I look at my 2yr olds and cry some more. They are so precious, and innocent. Where does it all go wrong? What did I do wrong? I am learning to take it one day at a time. To really enjoy the kids that are home, still needing me, looking to me for guidance. I think God gave me the twins to help me cope with my older children growing up. I can't even imagine my life without little people, so for now I will just stop thinking and enjoy my babes.