Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Pity party for one.......



I've been a mom now for 19 years. I stopped working after my first was born. I love being a stay at home mom, but lately......
I feel, I'm not even sure what you would call it...restless? Sometimes I think I'm gong crazy, other times I'm perfectly fine. Life is so weird. My younger years were so exciting, having babies, buying houses, always looking forward to the next thing. Maybe that's it, what is my next thing? You might be thinking, gee you sound depressed. No, not it at all. More like mid life crisis. I was dancing along to this wonderful journey I am on, and all of a sudden I am falling down, a lot! Ok kids grow up, get over it right? I am trying. That's another thing, I am alwayysss trying! Trying to be a good wife, and mother. Trying to say and do the right thing. Trying to lose weight, get healthy, stay in shape. And you know what? I'm TIRED!! Tired of trying, tired of making things easier for everyone else while I feel like a used up sponge on the side of my sink. Then my in laws decide to move here. WTF?! Why? We moved across America, had a blissful 4 years and now they want to live here too? Sometimes I feel bad for my husband, but mostly I do not. His parents are creating a lot of problems. The biggest effect is on us. I'm so angry at him for not saying anything, for not sticking up for ME, and our children. Part of me gets it, he doesn't like confrontation and you can't talk to them. They are not normal. So he's stuck between trying to keep me happy and not get his mom mad. But um, ignoring it is not working. Then I think, why can't I just go with the flow? Why do I care so much?  Am I as bad as them? definitely not. I should be able to control when we have company and when we do not, I should also be able to have boundaries with them. They are MY children. I just don't know. Then if all that isn't bad enough, I am turning 40 in August. Honestly, I am having a really hard time with it.  I think it all ties into the now what? I find myself being very negative about getting older. My husbands dad died at 56, and my mom had her 6 way bypass at 53. At this point, I'm scared of getting older. I feel like all it brings is sickness and heartache. 
School is almost out, and summer is my favorite time of the year. But guess what? In laws will be back in July!! Of course, just in time to make my birthday worse.
As I type this I realize wow, ok, you have to get a grip on your life. Ok pity party over, thanks for coming.
I am just going to start living for now. Enjoy everyday, and take things as they come. Maybe it's like I'm 18 again and stop thinking and start living!!