This isn't how I raised you...

....that's not how I raised you...what an interesting statement...when your kids are little you aren't even really thinking about how the future will be, it's more like survival, make sure their needs are met etc...then school starts, they are still so young and innocent...you shelter, and protect, teach, and guide them...before you know it they are in HS...then the real fun begins..what movies can they watch, dating when what are the rules? Do you let them have any alone time? Driving? Is it better if they drive themselves? Watching your teen drive away for the first time is one of those things until you experience it you don't know how you will feel...Parties? What kind of party? Will the parents be home? Will there be alcohol?...Friends?..who are you hanging out with? I need to meet them..Sleepovers, uh NO...do you think im stupid? So you can sneak out and go somewhere I told you not to?..the Mall..do I let my teen daughter hang out at the mall with her friends? What are you doing there?..Movies..which one? Alone? With boyfriend? Getting a job...where is this job? College....Rules...My house My rules...And on and on the decisions go....I sheltered my oldest as long as possible...is that why when she turned 18 she went in the complete opposite direction of everything she was taught?...should I have let her do more?...did I screw it all up somehow?...did I tell her too much?....too little?....what now?...why are you settling for so little when you are so amazing and deserve so much more?...life is so hard...why would you start sooo much harder than you have to?...how could she go against everything? I didn't raise her that way! There I said it! I've thought it and people have said it to me. How can I be so arrogant as to think I have control over what someone else is doing? Or what they feel is right for them? And when I'm honest about it, what is my daughter doing that I haven't done myself? Then the voice...I haven't heard it in quite awhile...you hypocrite! Things may not be going how you planned but she is exactly where I want her. Um wow, thank you Lord for clearing that up for me.....

Its my boys 12th Birthday!

I cant believe it was 12 years ago I was in the hospital having my boy! Where does the time go? He is my fourth baby. I knew right away that this pregnancy was different. I just felt different. When we had the ultrasound and they told us it was going to be a boy we couldn't believe it. I had a great pregnancy with him. No problems, I felt great and it was such a relief after what we went through with drama queen. I remember being in labor and thinking maybe they made a mistake and it's really another girl! The funniest was I had a different midwife on call and she's like so how fast do you usually go once your water breaks. I'm like pretty fast. Well all of a sudden it was time to push! The midwife is yelling for a nurse, the room wasn't ready she's like ok don't push, I'm like I'm pushing someone better catch! I will never forget when she put him on me he was the most beautiful little boy I ever saw. With tears in our eyes hubby and I were like yep it's really a boy! And so there was my boy 8lbs 4 oz!
It was different having a boy right from the beginning! He was such a good baby. He was very cuddly and I loved that! He was a great sleeper, he napped and went to bed and slept all night. As a baby he sucked on his fingers, his middle and ring finger I thought it was cute, it drove everyone crazy! We are still real close, and I comfort him often. Everyone jokes he's such a mamas boy, but I don't care. I only have one boy so I can get away with it! When he feels no one understands, or he's having a hard time he comes to me, his safe place, and I wouldn't trade that for the world!
One of many fond memories with him was when we went to the mother son dance at school.

Just one day

Oh how I long for just one day for myself...one day where I can do whatever I want..like how bout nothing at all? No one to cater to...no ones butt to wipe..no crumbs on the counter or the floor...no laundry..no cleaning of any kind...no one expecting anything from me...no food to cook, or prepare...no errands...no homework..no one wanting to talk to me..no one up my ass...one day of peace and quiet...one day to go to the bathroom when I need to...a shower in peace...enjoying what I eat, no one wanting a bite, no one expecting some too....sleeping in, oh what a joy that would be! No alarm, no babes, no one in my bed....maybe I would go crazy and do my nails, hair, and makeup...oh how I would love to spend a day reading..or writing..being able to have complete thoughts with no interruptions ...talk on the phone in peace....watch a movie with no subtitles...watch whatever I want allll dayyyyy longggg....oh what a joyous day that would be! Yeah sure those days will come eventually, but I want one NOW!! When I feel so worn out...tired...overwhelmed..when I feel like my dried up sponge on the side of my sink..oh how I long for you my one day...

You're going to miss it

Im guilty, I've said it before. I don't say it in the same way anymore. I am fully aware of what I will miss. I won't miss sleepless nights,dirty diapers, potty training, running to the bathroom 500 times a day, carrying a diaper bag so huge it looks like I'm going away for the weekend, finger prints everywhere, stuff broken or wrecked allll day long, temper tantrums, dr visits, homework, calls from the school for dumb shit, no privacy, laundry, kids stuff everywhere, being asked something alll dayyyyyyy with mom mom mom, mommmyyyyyyy, can I have? I want that and so on. What will I miss? That precious lil baby all snugly on my chest, that little hand in mine, the I love Lu mommy, how angelic they look when sleeping, seeing the world through their eyes, the excitement of everything new, alll the firsts, those amazing days when everyone gets a long and we are just laughing enjoying each other, those tender moments when mommy makes it all better, those days when someone messes with your kid and you go all mama bear on them, the days of having them all under my wing, the giggles, baby giggles, toddler giggles and children's laughter in the house,and finally I will miss YOUTH in itself! Me being young! And not so tired and worn down by life, and kids, and the pressures of everyday life! So yep I will miss it, but thankfully I have many years to go, many more firsts to experience, and I think I will have grandchildren by then....

Why I hide food

I know what your thinking already. She hides food? That's crazy. Hear me out. There are several reasons...first when you have kids and I happen to have a lot of them they want everything that is yours! Can I have a bite? Can I taste it? Ughh didn't you get one for me? NO I didn't! I'm allowed to have something for myself for crying out loud! Then if it's not the kids it's hubby! Perfect example. I bought special K cereal...I was lucky to get one bowl of it!! Suddenly everyone likes it? Grrr so I end up either eating what I get all at once, I know I'm a pig..or if it's candy or something I try to hide it. There are not many places to hide stuff around here! I have no privacy!! Just the other day babes were in my closet eating my chocolate!! If I put stuff in the pantry the kids always find it and I just love when they put the empty box in there and when I ask no one ever knows who ate it...it's the mysterious "not me" again! So I have no choice but to hide food if I want it for myself!

Drama queen

So drama queen is my third baby. She is my miracle in more ways than one. She is an after miscarriage baby. I was so excited to be pregnant again, and also scared to death! After I made it past the point I had my miscarriage I started to relax. Well that was short lived. We were going on a camping trip and on the way stopped for my routine 20 week ultrasound. Well my husband and I got the shock of our lives...they said this baby has several markers for Downs Syndrome and recommend further testing. We were shocked to say the least. After much thinking, praying, crying etc we decided to do nothing. If God wanted us to have a Downs baby then that's what we were going to have. I signed papers refusing all further testing. We already loved this baby. She was so wanted, how could we not keep her? Well not everyone agreed with our decision. It was stressful to say the least. Then they thought I had gestational diabetes, and after being tortured for three hours results were negative..uh duh I could've told you that. Then one routine visit at like 8 mos we were listening to the heartbeat and even I heard it that it didn't sound right. So off we went to a specialist.So it turned out her heart was fine but her fluid was low...any lower and they would have to take the baby! I'm like whoa it's too early no way. So I was on bed rest which was a joke having two little kids at home. I made it through the holidays and still no baby. I told my husband I'm fine I will never have this baby just laying here. So at this time he had a SUV and we did a little off roading..I know crazy but hey it worked! I wasn't sure if they were going to make me crazy or not so I told my husband I am staying home as long as possible. Well by the time I got to the hospital I was 7cm! By the time they had things set up I was like okay I'm pushing now! As soon as she came out and they put her one me I couldn't believe it! Not only did she not have Downs she was the most beautiful perfect baby I had ever seen! We just started to cry and thank God. I really do believe he healed her. No one understood my faith during that time but I just felt God saying it will be ok trust me. So there we were 5 days late with a beautiful healthy girl weighing 8lbs 9oz!
So see its been drama since the beginning!!
Since this is her 15th birthday, I've shared her birth story with her again. I think since she was trying to say we don't love her, favor her sister blah, blah, I think her realizing how wanted she was has helped us have a break through. I actually got an unprompted I'm sorry with a hug! I hope it lasts. So today, her fave dinner, steak and ribs, and mocha brownies. :)

Women

You know what I realize? The older I get people make less and less sense to me. Remember HS? Girls talking about other girls, rumors, fights, popular not popular etc. well you know what HS never ends my friends! Years ago when I was working women were bitches and I thought well it's because I'm young, no big deal. Then I got married, started having kids etc. the friends that weren't doing this didn't stay around. So I decided to join a mommy group. What a joke! Those women were the biggest bitches I ever met! All they do is either bash their husbands, or compare whose child is doing what and who did it first. Really?! This is important? Then I started going to church. I thought for sure bible study ladies would be different right? Yeah ok not even close. Not only were these ladies bitches, they are hypocrites on top of it! Which brings me to today. I started a mom page, a place where I can vent, be myself, and get some encouragement from other women. For the most part it's been a great experience. I've met some great ladies that can handle my sarcasm, language and drama. They even got my back so to speak. They even say nice things and like when things are going well for me. How sad that we don't have more of this in real life? Why do women always feel the need to compete, and compare? Whether its personal, looks, body type etc, husbands, or whose kid is doing what, why does it even matter? PARENTING IS SOOOO HARD!!! No one has all the answers! Why don't we spend more time building each other up than tearing each other down? Let's laugh at the good times together, cry through the hard times together, and encourage each other through it all!!! In the end you know what? I will have the last laugh, know why? The Lord blessed me with 6 daughters! I will always have women in my life either way!

Perspective

Perspective is a funny thing. You always think you have it then you get older and you realize oh now I have perspective! I guess it's just like change. It's always evolving. I'm at a very unique time in my life right now. My kids pretty much cover all age ranges and personality types. I have kids that love school and ones that hate it! I have a grown daughter who moved out and is living life her way. It starts at the beginning. You have a toddler then you have a newborn. You enjoy every crazy sleepless night because you know how fast it goes. Now my older bratty children give me perspective to enjoy the little ones because it goes so quick. It's funny now that I have all this perspective most women aren't interested to hear what I have to say. I wish as a young mom an older woman would've come along side me and helped me gain perspective. When people say enjoy every minute, or time goes so quickly they are not dismissing the fact it's hard right now. Or how young children suck you dry. We are simply saying take a moment in each day and count your blessings, spend time with your children, hug them and tell them you love them. Children need to feel safe and secure and loved. They need that place where they can be fully accepted for who they are. Not to mention when they are young and driving you crazy they are still home! You have control over what they are doing. Older kid stress changes perspective quite a bit. Now it's drive safely, is it more dangerous for my teen to drive then have someone else drive? Do I let her drive friends around? What if something happens? Where are you going? Are they really where they say they are? Oh no she's late! Is she ok? Did she get in an accident? And on and on the worries go...especially when you add dating into the mix but I will save that for another time. All this just to say as much as I rant and act like a crazy bitch sometimes don't ever get it twisted, I love my kids more than life itself!!

Identity

I made the biggest mistake ever recently! I told my husband sometimes I don't know who I am. Well let's just say he had no clue what the hell I was talking about and of course brought it back to him saying what you don't want to be my wife anymore? Um seriously this has nothing to do with you this is about me. Sometimes I feel so lost in all my roles that sometimes I forget who I am, what I like etc. I am always hubby's wife and my kids mother. Is that enough? Do I need to be more? Who says I need something else? As if all this isn't complicated enough we also as moms find our identity in our children. It's so easy when your kids give you so many reasons to be proud of them. But what about when things don't go "right" whatever that is anyway. When my daughter moved out with her boyfriend that's when I saw the shift. All of a sudden it was ohhhh, and the looks, and the bullshit she will come back to the right way. WTF? Is that suppoesed to mean anyway? There is nothing wrong with my daughter. She is young and in love and doesn't realize the BIG picture of what she is doing. But if we're honest when we were young did we see the "big" picture? Then my son has his issues. Now that he's almost 11 I hear annoying shit like oh he knows what he's doing or saying. Oh and this ones my favorite I need to discipline him more! When he was younger it wasn't as obvious. Now if I explain anything I get those other looks ohhhhh I see. Yeah bitch what do you see? Don't feel sorry for me I love that boy, he might not get it academically but he will have life skills! Not to mention he is hilarious! All this comes back around and so my answer then is yes. Yes it's enough for me to raise my 7 children with all the ups, downs, proud moments, embarrassing moments,the really awesome ones that you wish would never end and the ones that can't end quick enough! So then I am me, hubby's wife and One Tired Mama!

Unfair

Isnt it funny how kids think they own "not fair". Listen I'll tell you what's unfair

1. Now that everyone sleeps through the night I don't
2. I overeat over the weekend and gain 3 pounds
3. It takes 2 weeks to lose the dam 3 pounds!
4. The twins have me running all day, how is it I haven't lost weight?
5. Everyone says they don't expect anything but they lie!! Hon um are you eatng Lunch today? Why I ask? Oh that's right cuz I'm supposed to stop what I'm doing and make lunch!
Mom did you wash my jeans? Mom what's for dinner? Mom can I have a friend over? Mom can you pick her up? Ughh there are no good snacks! Snacks? Be thankful you can eat at all!!

Just a few of em I've been dealing with lately....

Change

I have accepted fear as a part of life, specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown. I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: Turn back, turn back; you'll die if you venture too far."
– Erica Jong

I hate change. Since the twins my life has been in a constant state of change. It all started when I said to my hubby just one more, nothing will change! Boy did God get the last laugh on that one! The twins have been the most awesome, challenging, amazing, hardest blessing of my life. Just when you feel like you are getting the hang of things you need to go on to the next thing. Then out of the blue my daughter grew up. She turned 18, graduated HS got involved in a serious relationship and moved out. WTF? How did that happen? I remember like yesterday her saying hi mama, can you polish my nails? Can you do my hair etc. Now she's a woman living on her own. It's been quite an adjustment for both of us. I miss her, and the house felt weird for quite a while. I made a New Years truce with her and boyfriend and things have been better. It is so hard to let go. Just when I feel like I'm coming to terms with all that, my second oldest goes and gets her license! She's off sleeping at friends houses going to the movies etc. WTF? When did that happen? How is it my baby's are so old? When did I get so old? Which leads me to the next change that has me flipped! I am turning 40 this year! WTF? 40? When did I get so old?where does the time go?so 2012 is already off to an adventurous start! I can't even imagine what this year will bring. All I know is I'm just living day by day, enjoying every exhausting, demanding, frustrating crazy minute! If 20 years can just fly by, I don't want to miss a single minute!

Change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go.

My sayings

I have several things I say constantly! My daughter used to joke that she was going to make me a tape soo I could just play it and not have to say it! I also say a few things that not everyone else says like stop being fresh, watch it wise guy,and you are on thin ice. These are my top 10

1. Kids play that's what they do they play, so GO PLAY!
2. You are not the parent or co parent
3. I hold up my hand and say parents here, kids here you are ALL equal!
4. Know your place. I'm not your friend I'm your mother, dont EVER TALK TO ME THAT WAY AGAIN!
5. I'm sorry the answer is no. NOTHING GOOD happens after midnight!
6. I need a wife! I would make messes all day too if I knew someone would be behind me picking it up!
7. Blood is thicker than water, be nice to your siblings your friends will turn on you.
8. Yes so and so is my favorite!
9. I'm going to beat you to a pulp!
10. I'm going to slap you silly!

My top 3 hiding places

Isnt it strange that I even have to hide? This is probably one of my least favorite double standards I live with. I mean if hubby wants to shower, play a game, stay on his iPad, make a phone call, run an errand, go outside whatever you can think of he just goes. I wish I had that luxury! I cant even go to the bathroom without someone walking in on me! And I can't tell you how many times I've set up a nice relaxing bath and hubby will actually come in and sit on the toilet! I mean really? Why do you think I'm in the bath when ALL the kids are sleeping? Anyway to sneak away I sometimes go in the garage since my laundry is out there. It takes him quite awhile to come looking for me. I mean the last thing he wants to do is laundry! My next place is my closet. Sometimes I just pretend I'm looking at my clothes, or trying outfits on! And even tho I'm usually interrupted my fav place to hide is the bathroom! At least you can lock the door! uh oh gotta go someone's looking for me now!

Tv show

You know those moments when it feels like you are really connecting with your children? The ones where it seems they are genuinely listening and are interested in what you are saying? The moments where it feels like, yes, this is what being a mom is all about, sharing your life experience with your children. When you feel like, maybe I can save them from making some of the mistakes I made at their age. Well I was talking to my teenage daughter about something important and I was having all of those feelings.I felt like, wow she is really listening to me. I thought she was about to say something like thanks mom, you are so intune with life, I am so impressed and will take what you know to heart. When instead the little brat turns to me and says mom are you sure you even know what you're talking about? You don't even have your own tv show! Tv show? Is she kidding me? I have life experience I don't need a damn show! I mean really what the hell was she thinkng responding like that?