Looking forward.....2013

No more excuses

Ever wake up, and think, how did I end up here? Not in the I drank so much last night way, in the way of you feel lost, yet your in the same place you have always been? I think it's been gradual, it's happened over a lot of years, a lot of children, some of it is laziness, complacency, whatever it is, I'm over it. Things are changing, and this is the year I see it through. I think one of the biggest disappointing realities for me has been that the older I got, the harder life got. I always thought when I was younger, as I got older I would be more confident, sure of who I was and I would have a clear direction for my life. HA! That didn't happen. Actually the opposite did. I've spent the last year thinking about what needs to change. Here is what I've come up with.....
First, I have to lose weight. I went through the I just had twins its ok, then I'm old, married, had 7 children blah blah. All just excuses. The truth is for me, whether it's shallow or not I don't care. Looking good is important to me. The heavier I am, the less confident I am, and I feel like crap. Now I say, I don't look my age, I have a few good years left, and I have a goal dress for my daughters high school graduation in May. I've lost 10 pounds since thanksgiving, and I feel amazing already! Can't imagine how good 20 more will feel.
I will work out, when I can. My life isn't really in a place right now I can work out everyday for hours. If I have 20 minutes today, then I will use it. As I get more fit, I will probably up my workouts. For now, I do walking miles. 2-5 when I can, but at least 3 times a week.
I will do something for myself EVERY DAY! This may sound silly, but as I said, I ended up in a bad place. Always last, not taking care of myself. I don't think I was even on my list of things to do. I will work out, shower, take a bath, read, watch tv, talk on the phone, write, whatever I decide for that day. I will also get an eye exam, and go to the dentist. If I'm able I will get my nails done.
I will not do everything anymore. Actually, I've been making this change already and I've had great results. Why I waited all these years, and kids to start is beyond me. I'm one person, and taking care of 9 people's needs is too much. Everyone helps out whether they like it or not, from the garbage to laundry. With my older kids, if they want something from me, they have to earn it, work for it, some how. Yesterday my daughter cleaned the bathroom before she could go to the movies.
I am a very outspoken person, except where my husband is concerned. This is really the area I've most lost myself. I still can't figure out how it's happened. I will find my voice, not be afraid of conflict, and talk about real issues. You know things are great when you don't talk about real life, or use the kids as an excuse. There are a couple things that need to change, and this is the year I make it happen. I'm done making sure everything is ok for my husband. How about things are how I like it? I'm not smoothing everything out anymore. If I don't agree, or like something, I will speak up. If my feelings are hurt, I will say it, etc. stuff like that. Sounds silly I know. If you would have told me 15 years ago I would be in the place I'm in now, I would've laughed at you. Yeah, mama wants that feisty girl back, I like her. This complacent little housewife, um yeah, not so much.
I don't really have too many goals where the kids are concerned, just the usual like, hold them accountable, don't let them disrespect me, and be positive.
You know what I realized? I'm actually not a negative person. I was raised by a negative mother, and my husband can be quite negative. I've spent years trying to not slip into negativity while surrounded by negativity! The good news is, this is one issue I've brought up with the husband, and one of his goals this year is to be a positive influence over the family, so I have good feelings about it.

I'm on my way......

Ok, here is what I figured out........

I am done having children. 

I remember asking other moms, how do you know when you are done? They said you will just know. Yep, now I know. 7 is enough for me :D

Being a stay at home mom is not always fulfilling.

I guess since I have been doing this for 19 years now, I realize I'm getting tired of it. The upside is, yes I do have older children now and I make them work around the house.

With what I know now, I will help my daughters set things up a little different. 

Yes, being home does mean you do most of the work, but I think when your husband comes home, you should get an hour to yourself and he can take care of the kids. I also think he should help with  doctor and dentist appointments, as well as parent teacher conferences, or taking them to a friends house. I also think a call on the way home with hey honey do you need anything? Would be nice since I know I need milk or bread most of the time.

It's important to make yourself a priority.

I don't know exactly how it happened, but over the years I kinda lost myself. I have been fighting to come back for the last two. I'm finally seeing positive changes, and it's nice to be back. It's weird to me how this even happens. I guess since I spent so many years pregnant, and with a baby I got so caught up in the day to day taking care of everyone else but me. You would think it would be easy, but actually it's been hard to take time for myself everyday. My husband is adjusting to the change, and so are the kids.

Looking forward

As I reflect over my life, I realize being a stay at home mom has been the greatest blessing. I wouldn't want it any other way. I have enjoyed seeing each of my children grow up. There is no way I could be less of a mom, or not here for the twins like I was the other 5. It's actually bittersweet, part of me is glad to be done with each stage as it passes, and the other part of me can't believe this stage of having children is coming to an end. I'm excited and scared all at the same time when I think about how different even the next 3 years will be. I will have 3 grown children, and all of my kids will be in school.  I'm making small changes everyday, so the family won't go into shock and wonder what is going in with me! All I know is the frumpy housewife days are done!! :)

Teens

Teens

The teen years bring plenty of challenges. Actually that's the understatement of the century! They bring you to the brink of your sanity, make you question and doubt everything you have ever taught them, but there are some tender sweet moments that make you burst with pride, or just melt your heart. I was unprepared for what these years would be like. I thought I would share the worst and the best of it.

The worst things about teens

They need to be prompted on what to say, more than your toddlers do

They are a bad influence on the younger children in the home, from what they say to what they watch on TV

They think they are always right

It is never enough or fair to them no matter the situation

The drama has no end! From she's in my room, to a fight with a friend

It's always someone else's fault

They think they should be allowed to do whatever plan they come up with

The attitude and eye rolls are off the charts

Everyone else's parents let their kids do and have everything. They tell you this and expect you to care about it!!

The best thing about teens

They are independent. They don't need you to get them a drink, dress them, give them a bath etc

They don't need to be entertained by you

They like a break from you

They do their own homework

They can cook, clean, and do laundry

You can leave them home alone

They can babysit the younger ones

You can have a real conversation with them

You can watch TV together

You can read the same books and discuss it

They take care of you when you are sick

You can plan a whole day of lunch, shopping etc and they don't want to be held, and if they need to go to the bathroom they can just go,  and you don't need the stroller!

When they drive, they can help with errands and picking and dropping the younger ones off somewhere

They LOVE to SLEEP!!!!! All night, and LATE in the MORNING!!

The tender moments with teens might be far and few between, but when they come the memory lasts forever! I've been lucky enough to have some serious heart to hearts with my teen daughters. When they tell you they love you, or they tell you you're a good mom they mean it. My drama queen did her essay on me. It's about how I inspire her!  

 So hang in there! Sometimes they surprise you and clean the bathroom! Even on the most awful days, there is always something wonderful too! Even if it's just a simple unprompted I'm sorry, or hug that says I love you Mom.

What I'm thankful for

Thankful  2012

It's not that I'm not thankful all year, but November is the month I really sit back and think about the last year. The older I'm getting the years are going faster. It seems only weeks ago I was doing this, but it was actually a whole year already! It always amazes me how much happens in a year. 

 I really can't believe my twins are going to be 3! It may sound silly but I'm thankful to have made it through the last year! LOL they give me a run for my money everyday! They are the hardest most amazing blessing! Watching them grow together, seeing their relationship, and the joy they bring me everyday warms my heart. 

My 9 year old is so smart, it's such a relief to not have school problems with her.  I'm thankful she's starting to find herself, she was really put out from the twins. She went from being the baby with lots of attention, to having the twins take her place. I'm so thankful how much she loves them. I love to see her read with them or play with them.

My 11 year old boy.....I'm so thankful for all his progress. Even though there have been some issues at school, it seems some things are getting better. I'm thankful he loves his sisters. Yeah he will joke about it, but he and my 9 yr old are best friends. I love listening to them talk, and laugh together. He also is such a big help with the twins.

My 14 yr old drama queen.....I'm thankful she's is HS. As she gets older, a lot is getting better. It's easier to get my point across when I can take away her phone, computer time hanging out etc. I'm also so thankful she adjusted so well to HS and is getting good grades.

My 17 yr old....I'm thankful she is doing so well in school, and life. She is really a well adjusted, smart young lady. I can't believe she is graduating! It brings me such joy to see her play tennis.

My 19 yr old....I'm thankful she's back HOME! It's been a rough year for her and me! I'm thankful she is getting her life back on track! I'm thankful for our relationship.

The hubby....where to begin? I'm thankful for him EVERYDAY! He is such a good husband and father. We've come a long way this past year. Between the twins and oldest, and my almost nervous breakdown, we had our share of tense, angry times. I'm the most thankful we weathered our first real storm together and came out stronger. It's such a blessing to have a husband who understands, or at least tries to, and who backs you up, and encourages you on the days you feel like the worst mother on the planet. We are a united front when it comes to raising the children. He helps with the twins, or running an errand, or whatever I need that day. Yeah I complain sometimes, but I know how blessed I am to have him.

My mom....I am so thankful first of all that she's here! Still alive! She had a few scares this year, with another heart surgery, a spot on her lung, and adjusting to new medications. She is my best friend, we talk everyday and I'm thankful for her love and how she's so supportive of me and my family. We've come a long way. She never understood why I had so many kids, we had some issues to work through and I'm so blessed to have made my peace with her and that she's a part of my life. 

There is so much more I'm thankful for as well. I'm thankful work has been coming through for my husband, good health, my house, my car, being able to put food on the table, and most of all I'm thankful to be a stay at home mom. It's not always easy, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

What my older kids taught me

What my older kids have taught me so far.......

Older kids make you appreciate the younger ones.

I realize now what you miss, you miss the ease of little kids where they are just happy to see you, need you, and they are easily entertained.

You miss being young yourself.

For me I find freedom when they move out. Decisions they make are their own. I'm an out of sight out of mind type person. For example my daughter could stop by before a party, once she leaves I don't think about it. When she is living home, it's ALL I think about. Is she drinking? Will she drive? How is she getting home? Where is she? Who is she with? Is she safe?

There is nothing better than Cuddling little ones. For ex it was chilly this morning, my girls jumped in my bed and we snuggled watching tv for an hour! Hard to be cranky after that :)

I am going to put my time and energy in my younger children who still want me, need me etc..

I am taking it one day at a time.....I've hit a point in my life where I have a lot going on. I need to chill, take care of myself etc. being tired, cranky, and frazzled isn't helping me be a good mom.

I need to find healthy ways to relieve stress.....not sure with the holidays coming up I will have much luck considering food is my first choice

I'm a mom. I look like a mom, talk like a mom. I can't turn the mom off, so I'm going to embrace it. I just care too much, oh well guess my kids can say I loved them to death, it could be worse......

Here is what I know.....

Here is what I know

Parenting is HARD!! The older I get some things are becoming clearer. You know those parents you find so annoying? Guess what? They are just like you. Trying to figure out this parenting thing. You know what else? They love their kids. There is no right answer for parenting. Just like we are all different, so are our children, and what works for one, doesn't work for another.

The complaining parent, probably sometimes does wonder why she had kids. It's not all sunshine and lollipops.

The bragging parent is probably just trying to focus on the positive since she's dealing with issues you have no clue about.

The parent whose child always seems to do everything the best, probably just has parents who feel so blessed. Maybe this was their after miscarriage baby, maybe this is their miracle baby that took them years to have.

The parents who always have statistics or some article they read, might have Aspergers, or be so insecure in their parenting that the only way they feel confident is if some study backs them.

The know it all parent, is probably just trying to help you, since they went through it all alone and know how hard it is.

Lately all you hear about is bullying. How do we expect our kids to be tolerant, accepting, kind etc, when we as parents can't even let other parents raise their child as they see fit? Maybe you don't yell, great, but just because a mom yells at her kids doesn't make her a bad mom. You wouldn't let your kids play outside alone, great, but the mom that does, doesn't love her kids any less. Your kids were off the bottle, never co slept, no pacifiers or loveys, great. But the parents that do this, love their kids and it works for them.

We need to be the example. We need to encourage, and support each other. We want change for our children? We need to be the change!

Weird Place

Weird Place

It's no secret I have been struggling this last year. My oldest really did a number on me when she moved in with her boyfriend, and dropped out of college. I know it could've been worse. I know it doesn't mean I'm a bad mom. But I tell you, it has really thrown me off. I guess its because growing up she was so different. She didn't really give any signs that she would just turn on me, how she was raised and just do the opposite. I let her go. I let her fail. Now she is back home, jerk boyfriend finally out of the picture. I should be so happy, things should be back on track. Yet things are just weird. I like knowing she's home safe, away from boyfriend, but this transition to grown children is harder than a newborn to me. 

Add to that I turned 40, I have over 20 extra pounds since the twins, my in laws moved 5 minutes away, my mom is having some heart issues again, the twins suck me dry everyday, and did I mention my boys Autism, and trouble in school?

When I think about everything I'm like ok, no wonder I'm having a mid life crisis! I have become one of those women who has a lot of problems!

I have to put more of an effort these days to focus on the positive, and find my happy place. I tire more easily, I don't always feel good, and some days are just exhausting.

I have found since I started my page, and realized I was not alone, and all the wonderful women out there who are supportive, encouraging and going through the same things (yes, misery lives company LOL) have helped me tremendously.

Now I feel in sharing my journey, maybe I can help someone like so many have helped me. 

It's weird being a grown woman, and sometimes not knowing who I am, or what I want or need. It's like where did I go? Oh wait, I didn't go anywhere, I'm right here. For me being a wife and mother is everything. I am fulfilled, happy, and want for nothing. Sometimes I just need a break, and some time to refresh. Thankfully I have finally come to a place with my husband where he gets it, well at least he tries to understand it, and helps me, either with day to day, or taking over for an hour where I can leave the house, or go in my room and enjoy a long hot bath in peace.

I'm slowly coming back to my true self. I realized on vacation that you know what? I don't look that bad, I'm an older woman now it's ok. My glory days are behind me, it's my daughters time to shine. If I lose weight, I do, if not no big deal. I'm done torturing myself about it. 

I'm allowed to have bad days, good days, be cranky etc. I don't feel guilty for taking care of myself. A healthy mom is a good mom.  Some days a lot gets done, and others I'm in pjs all day, and you know what? Nothing, that's right, it's ok! Kids are still taken care of, food is on the table.

So weird place it is, and it's ok. I'm at the stage in life where every year brings new changes, and I hate change! LOL

How I survived the teen years and beyond........

I am no parenting expert, nor do I claim to be.  I'm  just going with it, day by day. I am at the point now I have a 21,19,17 and 14 yr old..This is what I have learned.........

1. You are not their friend!! 

The sooner you realize this the better. This means they don't hang out with you and your friends, and you don't know every detail about them or their friends.  You are the parent, and teens need parents not friends. Set clear boundaries and stick to them.

2. As they get older, like senior year and turning 18, you are more like a guide. Hopefully by this time time you have set clear rules and boundaries and they can start policing themselves. Like what movie should they go see, where are they going, who with and what to do. Start letting them make decisions sooner rather than later so they aren't soooo indecisive when they hit college and hopefully won't feel the need to rebel or do things "just cuz they can "

3. Parenting is a journey with an uncertain destination. 

We can't count on our kids not getting in trouble or making bad decisions just because we are good parents.There is no formula that will assure us our children will follow what we feel they should do, or whats right for them. Its their life, they decide who and what they will be when they grow up.

4. Dating. 

I don't think we should just prepare our children for the "one" . I think they should date around and get to know different types of boys/girls to even figure out what type of person they are attracted to. I think real dating like alone time should wait until junior/senior year. They can play their little games at school, go to some dances and proms, but probably junior year a real boyfriend who comes over and they go on real dates like the movies and then come home. Of course you know your child best, how responsible and mature they are and what they can handle. 

5. They should work close to home.

Just in case you need to check on things or if they need a ride etc. Also they should come home from work then go out. For example, no working 1/2 hr to 45 minutes away, changing at work, or someone's house, then going out. That would mean some days you didn't see your kid until midnight! Even if you never check on them, they need to know you CAN and WILL if necessary.

6. Don't waste your time with lectures and stories of your life thinking they care. 

They don't. Tell them things on a need to know basis. They will just use it to embarrass you or manipulate it for their benefit to just do what they want.For example, mom you smoked when you were my age, I'm sure you had sex before marriage, etc. Again, yes you know your child best and what you think they can handle. Just keep in mind, good kids make bad choices sometimes too.

7. Even college kids should be home by 10pm during the week and 12midnight on the weekend. 

Nothing good happens after midnight.  Of course this is subject to change, depending what is going on, how your child is adjusting, and how responsible you think they are. Keep in mind, my perspective is i still have young kids at home, my house my rules, and  you will not just come and go,this is not a hotel.

8. Back to dating.. You don't need to see your boyfriend/girlfriend everyday. Date on the weekends. Protect your relationship, your integrity and your purity. Limit alone time. At the very least have self respect. If he/she really loves you he won't take you away from your family, make you do things you wouldn't normally do or aren't ready for. These things should be discussed at the beginning of the relationship and if purity is something of importance to you he/she should respect that. Yes maybe a little "old fashioned" but as you are well aware of, there is PLENTY of time for all that. How about becoming all you can be, then settling down when you are both ready.

9. When they do move out try not to nag and make it harder. 

They like to live in fantasy island where things magically work out. Just tell them what you think once and say now you can not come to me later in life and say you never told me or didn't try to save me etc. For example sometimes kids move out on a whim with an I will show you attitude and not plan anything. Of course it is only a matter of time until money runs out and they are homeless. LET it happen. Real life, you wanted to be an adult, now you can act like one.

10. Don't talk bad about your husband/wife to your kids. 

Make sure you talk about love, how he makes you feel, his character etc. Make sure they know what to look for in someone. Someone who loves them for who they are, makes them feel safe, loved, and protected. To a certain extent, keep the fantasy alive of happily ever after. Maybe they will find it. It's not for us to choose for them.

What I do to save money

Money saving tips 

I have been blessed to stay home all these years raising my children on one salary. Times are tough, and it's not easy. I would have to say one of the hardest things to keep in budget is food. It's soooo expensive, and you NEED it! Here is what I do. I will keep it simple, so I don't bore you to death.  If you disagree, that's fine, just keep it respectful, this is my story.

I coupon. Not extreme, but when the weekly ad comes out, I look at it, see what is on sale, plan my dinners for the week based on the sale, and if I'm lucky I have coupons to match. Where I food shop, you can earn points to save money in gas. My mom and I use the same card and she helps me build my savings, which works out great since I drive a Suburban!

We don't always have meat with dinner, we eat leftovers, and sometimes it's just pasta, or Mac and cheese, or sandwiches and soup, and the kids fave pancakes for dinner.

My kids don't get allowance. I'm pretty "old school" as my oldest puts it, and you behave, and do chores because you're supposed to, not because you get paid to. 

My kids don't get a cell phone until HS. It works out since so far one is getting her own plan, and we pass phones down. For ex drama queens first phone was a pink razor. Over the summer her sister gave her, her old phone. No data, just a phone with unlimited texting.

We don't give presents throughout the year. Sometimes, depending what they choose for their birthday, their present is the party.

We make homemade gifts, regift, or sometimes we just cook each other something special.

Christmas they get gifts, but obviously having so many kids they get 4 presents each. 

We rarely go out as a family. Sometimes we have a girls day, boys day, or just take a couple kids out. Mc Donald's ends up being a big deal, since it's so cheap.

For as long as I can I shop at used clothes stores. Especially for the twins! Toys, clothes etc. then when they are older I always ask family to get them clothes for their birthday and Christmas. Usually at Christmas my mom buys them their own name brand hair products! It's such a big deal to them, it's awesome! I shop at kohls when I have a % off of at least 20% , and they buy the clearance clothes.

I always plan ahead. At the end of each holiday, Halloween, Christmas etc...when everything goes on clearance I buy it. Even if I don't have the money, I find it somehow, since I know when the holiday comes up, I won't be able to buy at full price. For ex. Halloween is coming up, and I got costumes already at the end of last year. I'm not concerned with what the new trend is, and neither are my children. I also keep the costumes, they play dress up throughout the year, and on Halloween pick one to wear trick or treating.

Haircuts for the girls are like twice a year, my boy like every month, but I can get his cheap like $8!

The sports or extracurricular activities, are just the ones the school offers. I don't think kids need to be involved in 100 activities! They are kids, and around here, kids play, and use their imagination.

So it might seem a little different, or boring, but I tell you it's the complete opposite! First of all kids know  what they live, so they don't expect anything else, since no one else had it. Second, we are a party in ourselves! No matter what we are doing, it's a blast! We BBQ, swim, play games, watch movies, go to the park, and the library. I'm one blessed mama! :)

Feel free to ask any questions, or share your money savers! :)

Unrealistic expectations

Unrealistic expectations

We all have them. We like to think we don't, but we do. I never understood what it means to expect nothing, so you won't be disappointed. Is that even possible? I don't think so. Even when I don't think I'm expecting something, when nothing happens I feel let down. I think this is the major problem in all areas of our life. From marriage to parenting, to friendships, and even the expectations we put on ourselves.

Marriage, at first seems so romantic, and exciting. It's like squeeee! We are in love and going to live happily ever after. The expectations here really are so numerous I will only touch on a few or else I would write a book! The main one is how EASY it's going to be, and how my husband knows me so well, he will meet all my needs. At first you think you will FEEL in love all the time. That is until you realize wow, my husband is so annoying. It could be from the small things like, leaving a wet towel on the bed, to much bigger issues, like money, working etc. throw a few kids into the mix, and wow, suddenly all hell has broken loose! Don't even get me started on the snoring! Seriously though, marriage, is work. You need to work at it EVERYDAY! Problems won't magically disappear, and men are not mind readers. Keep the lines of communication open and explain what you want, need and how you are feeling. Men process very differently, and have no clue what you mean if you say something like, sometimes I don't know who I am, or that you're overwhelmed, or just can't seem to get a grip. Explain what you mean, and what you need help with. Men like to feel useful, and that they can fix the problem.

Ah, parenting. Again the expectations are almost endless. I will just share my own. I really expected children who would listen, were well behaved, didn't fight, and appreciated the wonderful life I gave them, not to mention would understand all I've sacrificed having them. Yeah, that sounded a lot better in my head!  Very unrealistic I now realize. Kids are just little people, who we have to teach and guide, and eventually let go into the real world. It plays out so different then you think when you are rubbing your pregnant belly! I have finally come to terms with the fact, I shouldn't expect my children to be thankful for the life they have. All they see are rules, and limits, and boundaries and what they need to be doing.

Friendships are probably the hardest for me. I don't think I have a lot of expectations, but then I obviously do since I am ALWAYS let down. I guess I just don't think it's too much to ask for someone to care about me, the way I care about them. Or be there for me when I need them. Sometimes I think it might be the kids, or I have a very involved husband, but then I think that's just BS, since if you're my friend, you should be MY friend. Not based on my parenting, or what kind if wife I am. Why do you care anyway? Maybe that's the real reason I don't have friends, I'm not looking for you to tell me what I'm doing wrong, I just want you to be there with me, going through the journey together. I think for me it's that I have a strong personality, and people don't want that, they want fluffy rainbows, and that's not me.

I probably have the highest expectations on myself. I fall short EVERYDAY! There is just not enough time in the day to do everything I ideally would want to accomplish. I have come to realize the most important thing to do is take care of myself, and not feel guilty about it. The kids, and my husband need a healthy mom and wife, and I don't mean just physically. When I'm tired, I sit down. When I don't feel like cleaning I don't. Some nights, they have sandwiches for dinner, and you know what? It's ok.....those unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves don't need to be there. Doing just enough, is ok too. :)

"Being in control of your life and having realistic expectations about your day-to-day challenges are the keys to stress management, which is perhaps the most important ingredient to living a happy, healthy and rewarding life."

Marilu Henner

 

What unrealistic expectations did you have?

Ever feel like your children just don't care? 

Sometimes I find myself feeling unappreciated. Like all I do is taken for granted. Sometimes I'm left with a why bother attitude? No one cares anyway. Can you relate? Well I finally had my A Ha moment. Yes it's taken quite awhile but this is what I've learned.

Before you have children, you have all these, thoughts, hopes and dreams, for what it will be like when you do have children. Even if you don't think you do, trust me you do. You see other parents and think oh, my kid won't do this or that, or the opposite, my kids will be well behaved like so and so. I'm going to be such a better mom then my own was to me.

Then reality hits, you have some children of your own, and somedays you think, wow, this is really what parenting is about? Let me tell you, parenting is a thankless job at times. It's hard work to raise children, especially today. Between all the movies, tv, FB, music, texting etc, it's a whole new world of trouble! Think about it this way, why do we expect gratitude from our children anyway? We are setting limits, rules, boundaries, and teaching them how to behave in general. They just want to be free, don't we all? But it's our job as parents to teach and guide them. How will they know right from wrong, and how to be thankful if we don't teach them? It's not our children's job to make us feel better about life, and how we parent. We are the parents, we are the responsible adult here. From what I hear thanks come later, and grandchildren are our blessing from enduring our children! LOL

Even my oldest, she's going to be 20 and she is out there finding her way. She's not doing it how I thought, or wanted. To be honest it's driving me crazy! We were talking the other day and she said to me, mom, it's not about you. You were a great mom, I enjoyed my childhood but I just want to live MY life My way. It was good to hear. I need to FULLY let go, and when and if she needs me, I will be there for her.

As parents we need to give ourselves a break. I feel like people expect too much from kids. They are loud, annoying and sometimes not appropriate. Lighten up, laugh with them. Enjoy them. Try and understand what they are going through. Sometimes they will be jerks, and you know what? It's ok, because we are doing our jobs as parents and teaching them how to be a responsible adult. 

I wish someone told me

Wish someone gave me the heads up when it came to being a Mom

You remember being pregnant right? Oh congratulations, how exciting, this will be the best time in your life etc.   For me, I would've liked a heads up.  Im just going to touch on the basics, what i think would've really helped me be more prepared.

It would've been nice to know how much labor hurts, how hard it is, how painful that ring of fire actually is! That it is possible to fart, or poop during delivery. Or how about this one, how easy a c section is, no labor etc. HAAAA! My c section was the worst experience ever! I would've liked to know how painful recovery was, what happens if you get a uterine infection, how even though you want desperately to exclusively breastfeed, you need those pain pills to survive!

Oh you'll see, newborns sleep a lot. Um yeah if you think waking every 45 minutes to eat is a lot! How about telling someone you will be more tired than you think humanly possible.  You might not sleep for YEARS. Make sure you have help. It's ok to cry, we all do. Babies don't come with a book, trust your instincts. Think about if you are going to be an on demand type of parent, or get the baby on a schedule.

I'm not going into great detail but you really should figure out where you stand where vaccinations are concerned. Are you and your husband united on this decision? What kind of a pediatrician do you have? Babies go to the doc ALL THE TIME.

How about potty training? You will feel like what seems like consecutive dayssss in the bathroom, just so the second you let your kid up, they pee on the floor! How it takes TIME, patience etc, that they will have accidents, plenty of them, especially when you are the least prepared.

What about how fast the first five years go? It's like one day your up every hour,  getting no sleep, walking the house with this precious little bundle and the next you are waving goodbye as your baby heads on into school! 

Once school starts, life really takes on a whole new turn. First, your precious little angel comes home with all these not so great things, like new words, having an attitude etc. This is the beginning of the end. Everyday your child is growing further away from you. You know this is how it's supposed to be, they are finding themselves, figuring out who they are and what they like. But I would've liked the heads up on how painful this process actually is.

If you have more than two children, get ready for the fighting. It NEVER ends. I really would've liked the heads up here. I had no idea that the older they get, it actually gets WORSE! They call each other names, yell, scream, hit, punch, wrestle, the girls take each others clothes without asking, it's relentless. You can punish, separate them, soap mouths, time outs etc and they will STILL do it.

One day when you least expect it, your precious baby becomes a TEENAGER!  I was the least prepared for teens. This is where a heads up would've been a sanity saver! If you have girls, you probably thought the tween years were tough. Um no, that was just the teaser for what was to come. It's as if overnight they grow boobs, get their period and suddenly think they know everything. Here's a heads up, think about dating, movies, sleep overs, hanging out, parties, driving, and about working.

Just when you think you have a handle on on your child becoming and adult, your relationship, who you think they are, they GRADUATE high school.

Here is the biggest heads up of all,  LETTING GO is harder than you think it is.

It is quite a transition going from mommy to mom. 

So here you go! I hope this helps you :)

The cry of my heart.....

The cry of my heart......

Sometimes I sit and wonder

What is my problem anyway?

Then reality hits.....

My oldest is lost, finding her way

I barely understand, so how could you?

Rude comments, judgements, making me feel like a bad mother

My genius child, the peacemaker, always last since I know she's ok

But is she? The pressure of being the "good one" hopefully isn't too much

My drama queen, always testing, always pushing, trying to rush her life away

My special boy, always misunderstood, getting in trouble, you think it's a discipline problem, or he's just a mamas boy...you have no clue

The 9 year old who chooses not to listen, yes I am fully aware she doesn't have a hearing problem, she is finding her way, her own voice in a house of so many

The twins, need I say more? Of course they are overwhelming, loud, non stop they are 2! That's their job

Why is it no one sees the joy?

How I have maintained a relationship with my oldest, when we are so very different. How we are evolving from mommy daughter to mom and daughter, who loves her unconditionally? Who always wants her best? How we can talk for hours, about life...and laugh...the fact she came back to me?

How amazing it is I have a daughter so driven, to be at the top of her senior class? Who will not only graduate with honors, who will receive an academic scholarship anywhere? Who is everyone's favorite, her calm loving spirit, what an amazing tennis player she is, how her dream is to go pro?

How drama queen is so strong? She is not easily led, she knows what she wants, how she shares her talent for fashion, make up and hair with everyone? How when I need her, she is there for me. She is more than capable to run the house for me

How amazing my son is! He is hilarious! With the kindest, loving heart you will ever meet. He just wants to help, wants to fit in, wants to be accepted

How my 9 year old is so loving! How incredible her imagination is!  She makes her own fun, enjoys crafts, drawing, and now playing her flute!

Seriously, just having twins is amazing! I could write a book about it! They are so smart, and their relationship with each other and the rest of the family brings me joy everyday.

This crazy, stressful life no one understands, is my reason for being here. My purpose, my joy, my every breath.

I'm 40!

40

It's so weird to me

How can this be?

I used to think,  when I'm 40,  I will have this or that

Now I have 7 children,  and  I  feel fat

Life looks so different now

I'm still trying to figure out how

Days drag on, yet years fly by

I wish I knew why

Now I'm just figuring out how to feel free

To be the wife, mother, friend and me

I'm still filled with so many questions, what now?

Soon I will have the freedom to come and go, do I even know how?

So many women complain about being bored and alone

I have no idea what that feels like, I can barely use the phone!

People say I need a life 

What's wrong with being a wife?

Outside the house you say

But I don't know if I want it anyway

How can I be so old, yet so lost? Somedays I feel like a child

Other days I just want the freedom to run wild

All these changes, coming so quickly

How do I keep it together when I feel so uneasy?

I wish I could get some of my young minded ness back

Like the confidence of my youth I now lack

I used to feel so sure of what I want, always looking to the next thing

Now its so unclear, I guess that's what happens when you have everything

I have the husband, the house, the kids, I guess it's time for me

Which brings me back to the beginning, how can this be?

17 years ago......

17 years ago.......

Where does the time go? My second oldest is 17 today! Wow, how different things were 17 years ago..........

We were living with my mom in her basement apartment. We already had one child, she was 2. Everyone thought it was so weird that I would have a baby living at my moms, since we didn't have our own place. We always knew we wanted more kids, so why wait? My pregnancy was going well. I looked good and felt great! We thought maybe I was having a boy since I was carrying better than my first pregnancy. At this time I was seeing a male doctor. The more pregnant I got, and started asking questions about labor and delivery, I just knew I wasn't going to be happy. I found a midwife who would take me when I was 8 months pregnant! She was wonderful. It was a few days before my due date and she told me I was starting to dilate and efface, but she was going on vacation. I was so upset, saying no I need you. She said go home try taking some castor oil and we will see. Well I took a tablespoon, it was the most nasty stuff ever but it did throw me into full blown labor. I got to the hospital and was like 5cm. She broke my water, and I was having crazy strong contractions. My husband was getting nervous, thinking maybe I wouldn't make it this time since we there only a short time. I said ok, I think I need something for the pain. When she checked me I was already crowning! 3 pushes and she was out! I had a hard time controlling it, so she came out fast and swallowed some fluid. I will never forget suddenly I realized they took the baby out of the room. Oh, she is just being checked. Finally after I was all clean and in my room, I'm like ok where is my baby? I got out of bed and started walking down the hall. I will never forget seeing my baby hooked up to all those wires and things! It was scary. Thankfully she didn't have to stay too long and before I knew it she was in my room, with me nursing her. I was home in 24 hours. It was an adjustment going from one to 2 kids for me. My girl cried a lot, but it was ok. I just held her, almost all day! Wow, has she come a long way from that crying, shy little girl stuck to my leg! She is in the top of her senior class, is on her way towards an academic scholarship that will include all 4 years, and she is a fabulous tennis player!

I just sent this to her teachers:

She is the second oldest in a family of 7 children. She is the oldest living home. She is driven, goal oriented, responsible, has great time management skills and is an overall joy to her family and everyone around her. I can't believe this is her senior year!

Back to school time!

Getting ready for school

It's the final countdown for us. School starts August6. You know that Staples commercial? The one where, "It's the most wonderful time of the year" is playing? And parents are skipping down the aisles, with the kids sad dragging behind them? Well, yep it's like that! It has been a great summer, but the kids are getting bored. We laughed, played games, did lots of swimming, watched movies, went to the library and a water park a few times. Even though I get tired of the back and forth, and homework, I'm ready for the break! And the kids need school! 

So this year, my drama queen is starting HS! A freshman, time goes so fast! She is so funny though. She is way too concerned about her looks and boys! She is trouble with a capital T! She is already hassling me about having a boyfriend, and school didn't even start! I have my eyes wide open where she is concerned. The cool thing is our school offers awesome programs, and she is taking theater and dance. Then she's on track for beauty school jr year. She is the type that does just enough, so I think she will be fine where grades are concerned.

My oldest living home is a senior this year! I feel like my oldest just graduated, and now my next one is graduating!  I feel the shift already. She's had a an active summer with friends, going out and driving around by herself.  I ordered the yearbook, now it's class ring, scholarships, applying to college, college tours, senior prom etc! I'm trying to prepare myself this time, so I don't have another crisis when she moves out! The difference here is her absence will be felt huge! My son is VERY attached to her, and she's the peacemaker in the house. They all say she is my favorite sister. 

My son is starting 6 th grade this year. I take it one day at a time with him. In case you haven't been following me, he's on the spectrum, high functioning, and every year is a new experience to say the least. He's already getting anxious, biting his finger nails, making sure everything is set up, from sharpening his pencils, to how his back pack is organized. We haven't gotten a letter yet from his teacher for back to school night, and he checks the mail EVERYDAY! The good news is, one of his favorite teachers and mine is going to sixth grade also! So I'm thinking it should be a good year. I have his IEP all set up, so we will see.

My girl is a fourth grader this year! She is so smart, she just hasn't had a teacher really tap into how smart she is. Last year her teacher was a real bitch, but I tried to keep it cool for my daughters sake. I tried fighting her on grades, and she wouldn't budge! It's funny, because since she is after my son, I almost feel bad for the teacher! I will not let another one of my children fall behind! When you have smart kids, they nit pick. For ex, she got points off for spelling on a test that's not a spelling test. Her thankful letter at thanksgiving got a D! Meanwhile, she had run on sentences. Give me a break! My sons letter says I'm thankful for turkey, it's cool. Then she took points off for forgetting her name. Whatever! We are over it, she had good grades, and it's a new year now.

It will be good to have time with the twins alone! I love my kids, but the older ones are a bad influence on the toddlers! Plus now I can start table time, coloring, puzzles, counting, etc. they do a lot better when the others don't get involved.

And the number one reason school is the best time of the year is.....EARLY BEDTIMES!! YAY

Poem about my oldest

Letting go

Why is it so hard to let go?
I try not to let it show
How much this is killing me
Why don't you see
I didn't give any thought to this stage
Maybe I thought you would never age
You are my beautiful amazing girl
Now your life is in a whirl
How do I separate what I think you should do
With just spending time with you
People think its about control
But that's not it at all
You deserve every good thing this life has to offer
Instead you are settling for the life of a pauper
You should be with someone who wants what's best for you
Not someone who is taking advantage of you
Where is my sweet girl whose glass was always half full?
Now she's lost in world filled with bull

Having children changes your body

How having 7 children has changed my body image

My face is fuller                  It's from all the time smiling at my beauties
 My arms are big                 It's from all the time I spent holding my loves
My boobs hang low            They fed 7 children for years!          
My stomach hangs            It was home for 7 people!
My hips are wide                They are the perfect size for a toddler or two to sit on
My feet even grew            They needed to stabilize me with all the holding I do
My back aches                   How could it not with all it's been through? Gaining and losing weight, supporting my expanding uterus time and time again
My knees are weak           I'm sure this is from all the times I have gone up and down the stairs for something! Between caring for babes, forgetting something upstairs, and of course laundry and cleaning.

When I sit back and really think about all my body has done, it truly is amazing! I'm not fat, I have earned this body, nurturing 7 children! Every stretch mark, line on my face, dark circle under my eyes, even the changes in my hair! Our bodies are amazing, and we, as women, should give ourselves a break, and enjoy them, be proud of them whether they are fit, or um in my case not so fit. One thing I have to say, it even happened last night and this morning, everyone of my family loves my body. The kids love to sit next to me, on me or just hug me. They tell me I'm just so comfortable and comforting. My lap is big enough for double hugs from my twins. When I think about it, I wouldn't have it any other way.
So let's celebrate our bodies, and all they do for us, day in and day out. Even if they hurt, or ache, or just don't look like we want them to. :)

Changes

My kids are growing up and I'm growing older
I don't want these changes to make me colder
I need to find my way back
To the joy I feel I now lack
I keep thinking, this has to be just a phase
But I can't seem to see past the haze
Things are so hard right now
From my oldest moving out to not knowing how
To find my balance, in this next stage of life
I wasn't prepared that older kids would cause so much strife
I wish things didn't have to change, though I know that would be so lame
I 'm so far out of my comfort zone, not a day goes by that's the same
I'm trying to focus on all the ways change isn't so bad
Like having more freedom to come and go, then I've ever had
It would be so easy to focus on the best
If I could ever get a full nights rest
So I've gone all the way from diapers and toys
To Grade school and boys
Now seeing my children grow up, adds to the list of my joys

Spending time with 7

Inspired housewife asked a great question....
Okay here is another question how do you make time for each of your children? 
As you can imagine, having 7 children this is something I have enjoyed, found impossible, and felt guilt over. The amazing thing is when you have a large family, they get a lot of what they need from each other. They are very independent. They are aware at a young age, that I cannot be everywhere, with all of them paying attention to every single thing alll day long. Obviously babies and the young ones get the most time and attention. They still need it, want it and it's my job as mom to make them feel loved, safe and secure. Then when my husband and I have an errand to run, we usually take one of them. Even though food shopping might seem lame to you, for them it is one on one time for them. We talk, catch up, I let them pick out the cereal, juice and snacks for the week. We watch movies together, game together and eat dinner as a family EVERY night. They all have different interests, and things going on at school. So when it's their turn it's all about them. Birthdays are VERY special around here, since it is your day. You pick dinner, what kind of cake you want and we plan a party. I don't micro manage my kids lives. They need to play, read, use their imagination,  make their own friends, get exercise and spend time with me.
I'm actually glad I had the 5 of them first since now I feel the twins are the ultimate test! I probably feel the most guilt when it comes to them because you can't do for 2 what you did for one. For example, holding. Even now my back is breaking off because sometimes I will hold them both.  The schedule, I don't break it EVER. Having 2 tantruming cranky toddlers is enough to drive you to insanity! One is usually more compliant. It has been my mission to not favor one child over the other. Do you have any idea how hard this is with twins? Especially when one is literally throwing herself all over the floor, and the other is playing quietly?! 
At the end of the day, I did the best I could. I love them all, and they know it. Just like anything else, some days one needs more attention and time, and the others have to deal with it. Somedays I wish would last forever, and I think this is what its about. Somedays I wish would end quickly, and I want to run away!
Being a mom is hard, no matter how many kids you have.

Questions....

Ever have a problem but you don't know what it is?
What can it be? Am I lonely?
How can you feel alone, when people are always around?
Is it that so many changes are taking place?
Getting older? Kids growing up?
Life's moving on, am I?
So many thoughts, getting jumbled
How do I slow them down?
Why is this happening? Is there something wrong with me?
Life is not what I thought it would be, but what did I think it would be like?
How can I feel let down, when I'm not even sure what i want ?
I love being a wife and a mother, is there more?
Lately life feels like a chore
I ask myself, what do I want?
How can I not even know the answer?
I need to find a way to recharge
But my life's so full there is no way
How can I be so happy, so fulfilled, yet missing something?
Maybe I'm not missing anything
I feel the best years are behind me
I need to find my next thing, what can it be?
Where did my joy go?
Where are my so called friends? 
Guess I should've known that would end
Some thoughts are getting clearer
I feel like a failure because of my oldest and I don't know how to get past it
I know I have to, six more children are depending on it
But I'm left with questions, was it me? Did I do something wrong?
 Where do I go from here? Sometimes I feel like why bother?
How can you know so much intellectually, but can't separate your feelings?

Happy Birthday 5

Number 5, my namesake :)

Wow! Nine years have past! A lot sure has happened in these nine years, I had twins and a daughter graduate HS, not to mention a big move for my family. The biggest thing to me right now is I was only 30! Ah, to be that young again! Anyway this is about my beautiful daughter, not myself.
After my son was born, I just new I wasn't done having kids. Everyone thought since I finally had my boy I was done getting pregnant. Um, no. It was never about just getting to the boy! Anyway, this pregnancy kinda snuck up on me! We were seriously considering selling everything, getting an RV and traveling across America. Our family thought we had lost our minds! Well I got pregnant, and we took it as a sign to stay put. There was no way I could have a baby on the road! I always love being pregnant. This time was no different. I felt great. We found out it was going to be a girl so we started thinking about names. My husband actually said, why don't we name her after you? I'm like really? Are you sure? It's kinda cool, but I know everyone will hate it. My husbands like, yeah, since when do you care what everyone else thinks? So we decided to name her after me! I was really excited about it. Everyone else? Thought it was weird, why would we do that, blah blah blah....so this being my 5 th baby I figured I knew what this having baby stuff was all about. Yeah, God sure laughed at that! I figured I would go early, running around after all the kids. Um no, she was 5 days late. Then I figured I knew how labor was going to go....not even close! I started to have contractions, and my husband panicked. He called my mom she came rushing over and they seemed to slow down. I'm like let's just get some sleep. Well at 5am I woke up to a pop and boom, my water broke! All over the place! Yep real labor...there was no way I was going to stay home. Normally after my water breaks I have the baby. So we rushed to the hospital. At first things were normal. 5 cm active labor....then nothing....no contractions...no more dilation....I am one of those crazy all natural women. I have never even had an IV during labor! My midwife comes in and says your not progressing, I think you need pitocen. I was soooo upset, she said ok, let's start with an IV, maybe you are dehydrated. Well after an hour no change. I needed Pitocen. Let me just tell you, all natural with Pitocen has been the hardest labor of my life! I thought I was going to die! I was sooo mean and said some horrible things, but I did it! The most amazing part was, once the midwife got her head out, I pulled her the rest of the way right on to me! It was 3 pm and the nurses were changing shifts. She stayed on me for a half hour before we even knew what she weighed! When the nurse checked on us, she was already nursing, and said oh wow, ok I will get you cleaned up then take the baby! You want to know something else funny? My mom is in the delivery room every time, and has cut all the umbilical cords! So my beauty weighed 8lbs 6oz 
This was the first time I stayed in the hospital as long as they would let me!
Now she's 9! The cool thing is she is so much like me! We call her a nickname of my name so she has her own. From the time she was little she would say, oh that's my mom not me! Oh, I love her so :)

Kids these days.......

I went out with my husband last night to Rita's to get an ice. The place was packed with teens. Ok, cool...no problem I have nothing against teenagers. So we got our ice sat and sat down. Some interesting things happened next. The first thing I noticed was at the kids table were two little boys. They looked to be about my sons age, 11. Upon further investigation, it became obvious they were the little brothers to some of the kids. The kids ranged from I'd say those little boys, 11-17.  This is the first thing I find so funny. Parents, do you really think sending your kids little brother is going to keep the teens in check? First of all they sat the little boys at a table away from them, then just completely ignored them. Who knows how it all works out in the car. The second thing that happened was some other kids came in to meet their friends. This boy just climbed over and sat down sooo close to my husband, with his back towards us. The thing about it was, it was soooo rude! Parents, please teach your kids about respect. Respect for the place they are at, and especially their elders! The kid should have said, excuse me? Is anyone sitting here? Can I have this chair? Thank you. Then the kids were standing up all around us. They must have felt my glare because they sat down at the table behind us. As soon as I went home, I had a talk with my teens about how to behave! Oh, and they were pleased to find out I have no intention of having the younger sibling tag along!

So, is it just me? Or do you find kids rude these days, with no respect?

Rebellious

It's quite interesting breathing heavy on the big 4-0 and having 2 year olds. I've come to realize that I think I am in the throes of a mid life temper tantrum! When the kids don't get their way, they whine, throw a fit which sometimes entails them throwing themselves down to the ground where they proceed to kick and roll around. As I was watching this the other day I realized, wow, I would love to do that! But being the responsible adult that I am, I figured out a better way to handle things. I have decided to treat everyone the way they treat me. I am so tired of all the bullshit, day in and day out! Kids fighting, whining, not getting their way and acting  ridiculous over nothing. So now, I too have selective hearing. It's funny because my 14 yr old has noticed and I can tell by her reaction she is not enjoying it. Take yesterday for example. She wanted her friend to come over. She was a jerk to her little sister all afternoon. I acted like I didn't hear her. By the time her dad came home, we had dinner it was getting late. She asked again and was under the assumption that I said yes. I said ask dad, which of course he replied NO. She was not happy at all! I have to say, so far today, she is staying out of trouble. Smart girl. With the other younger kids, things working out as well. When they ask for a snack, I pretend I  didn't understand the question. Then after a few minutes, I'm like, oh you were talking to me? I didn't hear you. Then if they are acting ridiculous over nothing, like shes sitting too close to me on the couch, or she made faces, or he walked in front of the TV and so on... I just take away whatever they wanted in the moment.
Here is where the problem starts. I have realized I am doing this with my husband as well. Needless to say, he is less than amused. I am trying to figure out how it all started. Is he starting with me? Or am I just rebelling against everybody? I feel like he is telling me what to do, and how to do it. Like he is blaming me for every annoying thing the kids do. But is he really? Or am I just the one with the problem? Is this just more of typical stay at home mom stuff?
Then the whole Internet thing. He was so funny last night asking me all these questions and saying I knew it. You're addicted. First of all I could have told you that, second of all who cares? The real reason I'm on all the time is I don't have a life outside my house. I stay home with the kids. I don't have many friends. My online life is just exciting to me. Yes , I use it as an escape. So what? I look at it this way, there are plenty of worse things I could be addicted to! Even my online life is the real me! I'm a mommy blogger for crying out loud! What does he think I'm doing? Plus it's not a secret. He knows about it and can read it if he wants. The rebelliousness comes in where I don't need him telling me when I can and can't be online. I'm not a child. So yes, often I go on when he is home just to prove I can. Dumb I know, but honestly? I don't want to stop, so I probably won't. I think if I ever really got a life outside this house, my family would be in total shock. Who knows, maybe that's my next addiction.......;)

To my kids

To my kids

Being a mother means everything to me
I wish everyone would just see
How amazing it is to be a part
Of something so big, right from the start
I know it might not always seem, that you mean the world to me
I'm sorry that I get angry, it's not how I want to be
You need to understand that my life does not just revolve around you
Even though I'm the mom, there are sometimes I don't know what to do
Just keep in mind, I always want what's best for you
That's why I say no to things you want to do
I am so thankful for every moment, every milestone
Watching all of you grow together, so you wouldn't be alone
Seeing pieces of myself in each and everyone of you
You make me so proud to be your mom with all you do
It still fascinates me, how different you all are, like your name
Yet, there are things about you that are all the same
I hope you enjoyed your childhood, I've done my best
To prepare you for when you leave the nest
There is one more important thing for you to know
Even though sometimes it doesn't always show
There is nothing you could ever do
That would make me stop loving you

20 years ago I married my best friend.......

20 years

I can't believe it was 20 years ago when I said  "I Do". So much time has passed, so many wonderful memories. It made me remember the beginning.......

I just moved back in with my mom in NJ, I was 15 starting a new HS again, as a sophomore. I hated it here. Why did she move here? I feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere. At the bus stop I notice this boy smoking a cigarette. I was always pushing the limits, so I walked right up to him said hi, as I flipped my amazing big hair of course, and said can I have a cigarette? He said yes, of course. We started hanging out immediately since we lived in the same apartment complex. He would walk me home, or we would would just hang out and talk. He was so easy to talk to. He was always interested in what I had to say. We had similar backgrounds, being children of divorce, with working moms. I finally found someone who understood me, who liked me, for me, and he thought I was the most beautiful girl! Our first date was to see Fatal Attraction! It still cracks me up when I think about it. My mom drove us to the movies, dropped us off and said she would be back. On the way in he reached for my hand, and when I grabbed his hand, I felt all tingly. I think he might've kissed me after the movie, but my mom was there. I think things were better in a way, back then. We couldn't have contact 24/7 like today, so the anticipation would build, when would he call? When would we see each other? On the bus? He was so cute. I remember he walked all the way to the deli to get me breakfast, came back and threw snowballs at my window to wake me up! We would pass notes in school, try to meet up at my locker, and sit together on the bus. When he bought a pack of cigarettes from 7-11, he would buy me a rose! It wasn't long before we were together all the time. He would come with me to my Nana's house and help trim her bushes etc. He was always, so kind, caring, and a little sensitive. He was the good boy, I was the bad influence LOL! I always said if his mom was paying more attention, she would've told me to keep away from her son! We got in our share of trouble, from coming home late and drunk, to cutting school, but we also created the most amazing memories that I still think of today. We gave each other everything we were missing from our home lives. It's no wonder right after HS I got engaged and we were married when I was 19 and he was 21! Our families were not happy. They thought we were too young and didn't support it. The sad thing is I don't have the memories of planning a wedding, and shopping with my mom but it's ok. He came with me to pick out my wedding gown. I can still see the girls face, this is your fiancé? Don't you want it to be a surprise? So funny, we did everything backwards, but we must've done something right since now here we are 20 years later, still in love, still best friends, with 7 children! The best is to all the people who thought we were "playing house" who's playing house now? LOL

What getting older has taught me

I have enough of my own problems, so I don't have time to judge anyone else
Things that seemed so important, really aren't .....like material things
Time goes so fast, it feels like one day I was a young mom with toddlers and woke up to one grown and out of the house and teens!
I have to make time for my husband, these kids grow up and leave
It's okay to put myself first sometimes
It's ok to say no
It's ok to rest
Pj days are fun
I'm thankful my life came full circle and I understand my mom, and she understands me
I don't really have time for friends, but it's ok, my life is so full between my husband, kids, and my mom
I like to be alone
Even though I feel I parent the same, each one of my kids is having their own experience and they are not the same
I love being a mom
I need to take life one day at a time
I have no control of things I thought I did
Life is constantly changing
I will never regret the time I spent at home raising my babes
The older I get, the less I care what other people think
It's ok for my kids not to like me, they don't need to be happy all the time, I am not their friend
I don't feel guilty about how I parent, what will be will be, there is no right way, perfect way...I can just do my best, and it's good enough
Days drag on, yet years fly by!

Swimming

Swimming

There is just something about being in the water
Suddenly everything gets so much clearer
The pounding in my head
The feeling of dread
My body seems so light
Nothing feels tight
I could be in the pool all day
This is when I hear everyone say
 Don't you ever tire?
Of swimming? Are you kidding? I don't even perspire!
It's the best of both for me
Playing with kids, and feeling so free
One of the kids favorite things to do
Is pick me up, and carry me around the pool
It's such a great feeling to not have to say
Don't even try, you can't pick me up anyway
I'm so thankful for my pool
Without it, I couldn't keep my cool
Having 6 kids all summer can really test your sanity
Without my pool, I wouldn't come back to rationality

I got an award!

Somehow I Won the Kreativ Blogger Award

Thanks to the Real housewife of Santee

There are rules attached as with most peer blogger awards. The rules are easy, fun rules so I will try to follow them all. 

1. Thank and link back to the awarding blog. 

2. Answer seven questions.

3. Provide 10 random factoids about yourself. (This one is tough.)

4. Hand the award on to 7 deserving others. 


Question #1: What is your favorite song?
I know it's going to be hard to believe but I don't really listen to music. I hear it in the car, and from the kids blasting it of course. So I don't have a favorite song. When I was young, I guess you could say Whitesnake, Is this Love.....hubby and I used to say this was our song.
 
Question #2: What's your favorite desert? 
I love dessert. If I had to pick, I would say cake.  Chocolate cake, yellow cake fancy cakes, home cakes....now I want cake! LOL

Questions #3: What do you when you're upset?
Hmmmm, well I am one of those people who don't cry often. Maybe once a year...I get angry, and like to punch, so my hubby bought me a punching bag. I love it. Best present ever.

Question #4: What is your favorite pet? 
Having no pets. We had a dog once and getting rid of it was the best decision I ever made. It's just something else for me to look after, clean up after and take to the vet. Um, no thanks, still taking 6 kids to the doc is enough!

Question #5: Which do you prefer, white or whole-wheat bread? 
I prefer white, but eat healthy bread now.

Question #6: What is your biggest fear? 
I would have to say something happening to one of my my kids. Like terminal illness, or you know.....can't even go there........

Question #7: What is your attitude mostly? 
Im actually pretty optimistic. I always think things will work out, and I try to see the best in situations. I make mistakes, but I typically  say, I can, I will, I'm sure and I choose to.

Ten random facts:

1.  I love my husband and children more than life itself
2.  I love food
3.  I love to watch TV and movies
4.  I love to swim
5.  I love my iPad
6.  I love pictures, I look at some everyday and smile at the memories
7.  I love to read
8.  I love to be home
9.  I am serious, and tend to over think things 
10.  The worst thing you could do is lie to me

Now that you know more about little ol' me, go on over and check out some of these blogs I love:

1 Mommetime : I love her, she has an amazing miracle baby story, takes amazing pictures, feels deeply, and is so real and honest.

2 Homestyle Mama (with a side of Autism): she never has a dull moment around her house. She is so kind, open, and will make the time for you if you need her.

3 Red Vines and Red Wine: we have so much in common, from food to our kids, she calls her daughter teenzilla! Cracks me up

4 Non stop mom: this is one strong woman, she's been through a lot and is very open about it.  I love following her life

5 Frugalista  Blog: she cracks me up! She has such a great sense of humor, and we share similar views on parenting.

6 Twins Happen: I love having another mom I can talk twins with. She calls her boys Turkeys, and they are the cutest!

7. Just another Tired mommy: well, the name says it all, we are both tired! Plus she's from Jersey, so what's not to like?

Restless

Lately I feel a little restless I guess you would call it. I'm breathing real heavy on the big 4-0, and it's making me reflect on my life. Am I where I want to be? Am I happy? What now? I'm feeling like the having baby days are over. I always said I didn't want to be 40 and pregnant, and honestly since the twins I feel complete as a mom. They are the perfect end. Ok, one decision made, now what? Of course they are still young and I have a house full of kids, I get that. But what now for me? I have devoted the last 20 years of my life to my family. I don't really have friends, and I don't work outside the home. Does it matter? Do I need a life outside this house? Do I want a life outside this house? What would it look like? Will I regret not having a life outside this house? 
Sometimes I feel like doing something crazy. Totally out of character from what I would do. I am a very predictable person. I like routine, and do the same things all the time. I love to be home. For me, even going to Starbucks with my oldest is out of character. My husband was like, oh you're going where? Why? I can make coffee. Then I think, what would I do? What do I want to do? 
I have started making some changes, small ones, like asking for help, not cooking all the time, saying no to the kids, saying yes to the kids, working out, and you know what? It's ok. Now I wonder, what took me so long? My husband definitely knows something is up, he's never sure what kind of mood I'm in, or what I'm expecting from him. You know what else? I like it like that!
I also have the kids do more. The new rule is you do for me I do for you. Drama queen wanted to sleep out, she had to clean her room, put laundry away and clean their bathroom.
So all these things for some reason leave me feeling restless. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I know change is coming, and I don't like change? Maybe I'm just afraid. Afraid of the unknown. When I was young, I was always focused on the next thing. Having a baby, buying a house, cooking etc.  Now my children are growing up, I'm growing old, and I have no idea what the next thing is! I don't even have a clue what I want as the next thing!

Enjoying the little things

I'm not missing a moment.....

It's so weird to me how days drag on, yet years fly by. Sometimes I don't feel old enough for my life, and other times I feel like an old lady! The one thing I can say for sure is I definitely take time now to savor everyday. Even on my bad days, there is always something beautiful that happens. 
Having a large family is quite the adventure. The teens make 2yr old tantrums enjoyable, since I know once they calm down we hug it out and mommy made it all better. Your teenager can be a jerk for dayyysss!!!
The middle ones say the funniest things, and have the most interesting perspective, since they are trying to figure out what everything means. For example my 8yr old says mom I wish I was a boy. I said why? She says because girls have to the hatch the babies and it hurts! My  11 yr old son says I'm not going to waste my money on girls. Why not? I ask. He says because you buy all that stuff and they might not even like you!
Every time my 2yr olds look around, I look too! They are amazed at everything! The sky, birds, bugs, grass, rocks (they call them rock-o) driving in the car, trucks, flowers, people! They say hi to everyone! When I go to SAMs club I joke that they would make great greeters. 
It's such  bittersweet times as my babes are learning to go out on their own. Once one graduates HS, it really goes fast. In August I will have oldest out on her own, a senior in HS, a freshman in HS, a sixth grader, a fourth grader and 2  1/2 year old twins! Wow, 20 years....such a long time, yet it went soooo fast! I sure have had one blessed life, and am so thankful for everyday.

Day with hubby

I sooo needed a break, so hubby and I went out. Well I've been doing so good I didn't really want to go out to eat and wreck my whole week. So we went to Chick Fil A. Yeah, I'm a cheap date, but it was really good and not a billion calories! 
After lunch we went driving. My husband has been thinking about selling his truck. He's kind of tired of it, the gas etc. so we went to see some cars. We looked at an SUV, and a Dodge Magnum. My husband really liked the magnum, it was red, but something just wasn't right so we left. After the next place we realized he lost his cell phone! After freaking out, and frantic phone calls, it turned out we left it at the first dealer we went to!! Ahhhhhhhh, so of course by the time we went back, I'm like ok. I had enough. On the way home he saw one more. This one was white, and had all the extras he wanted! Since we really aren't desperate we laughed at their first offer. They obviously really wanted my husbands Avalanche because they made us an offer we couldn't refuse! We did an EVEN trade. Yes you read that correctly!!! So after 2 hours, we drive off the lot in a new car!! Well new to us anyway!!! What an awesome day! Even if it ended up all about my hubby! Now he's happy, and when he's happy, mama is happy :)
Not too mention, the kids were so good! I love having older kids that can watch the little ones for me. So now, older girls sleeping out,babes in bed, my son and daughter having another sleepover and me and hubby get to hang out alone!! 
Wooooo!!! Time for some drinks!!!!

A day in the life....

Library

How could I forget what an adventure it is to go out with my 6 kids? We were signing up for the library program for the summer. As soon as I walked in with the kiddos I could feel eyes on me. The young girl signing up the kids was so funny. She's like you need 6? I said yes, 6. Oh ok, then it went ok until it was time to pick a first prize. Why do the kids always worry about what everyone else is getting? Oh mom, you should get the twins this, and he should get this. NO, you pick out your own and move on. I got the twins 2 different things since if they are in the mood they will fight over the same exact thing anyway. Then I picked buttons for the older girls. The one kid is like you're not supposed to give her the bag to pick from. No big deal, everyone finally got their prize and off we went to check out the library. It's hard to say no to books and free movies! All of a sudden my girl yells POOP! Of course the library was completely quiet during this time. Thank God I have teens, and my daughter quickly ran her to the bathroom. I was looking at some cook books when the girls come running over so excited about George and Elmo! I told them shhh it's a quiet place. I think they were louder telling each other to shhh! LOL then it was check out time. By this time it was time to get out quick. Thankfully my older girls got the babes in the car while I checked out. So 23 movies and 11 books later we were out of there! (yes I know, we love movies :))
On the way home I stopped at SAMs club for some dinner. I got talked into getting their credit card so I could save $20 on this order. OMG! It took so long! The kids were getting restless. The twins threw their toys at the lady 2 times, saying home, home, my son was touching the computer and making noises, my older girls were like mom please, this is taking long and it's embarrassing. I'm like we'll twenty bucks is twenty bucks so I'm not leaving. The lady was so nice, she kept saying sorry this is taking long, and I'm like sorry my girls threw their toy, and my son is touching EVERYTHING!
Finally we were out of there and it was a kid picked dinner tonight, tater tots, cheese quesadillas, tortilla chips and cucumbers.
WHEW, I'm done.....

Birthdays

Isn't it funny how when you are a kid you can't wait until your birthday! Everything about it is so exciting. What kind of party, a home party or one out. What kind of cake and who is coming. Then the most exciting part of it all....you are one year older! I used to love home parties and ice cream cake when I was a kid.  First it's 10, suddenly you are double digits and you are on your way. Then 13 comes around and it's like wow, I'm a teenager, oh yeah!! Then 16, oh sweet 16....driving permits, sometimes a license depending where you live, proms, boyfriends, never a dull moment. Then 18, wow, I graduated HS, I'm a legal adult, and it's time to get my life started. The next big mile stone is 21. Lucky 21. Suddenly it's I'm legal!! I can drink alcohol!! Being in your 20's is an amazing time. Still so young yet getting older and more mature every year.  I got married and had kids right away, so for me my 20's were all about being a mom and homemaker. Then one day you are 29. This is when you start thinking, um wow...I'm getting old, 30?! No way...am I where I wanted to be by now? 30 comes and goes and it's not bad. You feel mature, still young enough to be considered hot, and most people can't believe your not in your 20's you look so good. Someone said to me once that you're not even really an adult until you are 35. In my head I laughed it off and thought, yeah that's because you are old. Then it happened to me. I turned 35. Seriously I can't believe how different I felt, my outlook on life, and what was really important. It's like suddenly things are starting to come into focus. The things that seemed so important in your 20's suddenly seem so dumb, shallow even. My focus switched to what's best for my family, not what everyone else thinks is best for my family. A big issue for me was children. Even family wasn't very supportive when we had 5 children.  So you could imagine what was said when I was 37 and pregnant with twins!! Now I'm just a couple short months away from 40, and wow. 40... Honestly, there is nothing I like about it. It's a terrible number, it makes me feel old and everything is harder already. I still have 23 pounds on me from the twins and  I have a hard time sleeping now! Alright, the one positive thing is I'm more confident in who I am and who I am not. I don't look for other peoples approval, or advice. I live my life on my own terms, finally! If I don't feel like doing something, I don't do it. I really don't have much mommy guilt. I do my best and that's all I can do. It's freeing, actually saying no. I am learning to stop looking for the next thing, and focus on today, and what I have. Time goes so quickly, and it's so uncertain. For now, I am still focused on being a wife and mother. What the future holds? I'm still not sure.....I will have to let you know in the next five years :)

Mid life crisis

When I look in the mirror and I see
I can't believe the reflection looking back is me
No longer is there a girl full of curiosity
Now there's an older woman who is filled with familiarity 
I am so different now, a wife, a mother with a routine
And I am me somewhere in between
There are so many changes these years bring
I look back at pictures and my heart sings
Maybe it's a good change, to save me from the heartache of letting go
Or for my children to be able to grow
Now I'm trying to balance it all
Sometimes it seems all I do is fall
Life is sure one crazy ride
I'm learning to take it all in stride
I'm filled with questions, what's next? What do I do now?
This next stage of life I have no idea how
to separate from being mommy,  can you help me
To you know mom,  I don't want or need you to help me
They need to find their own way
I have to trust they have  learned to be okay
I wish it wasn't so hard to let go
I have to not let my feelings show
I can still be and do anything I choose
At this point I have nothing to lose
It's about time I focus on myself
I no longer need to stay on the back shelf

Boot camp summer

Well as I said the count down has begun! Friday is our first day of summer! Actually I am one of those crazy moms who love the summer. Not only do I enjoy the warm weather and swimming, I like having everyone home. I also enjoy all the free time, no HW and not having to  run the kids back and forth to school.
I read an article the other day about not letting technology take over family life. It really hit me because I am not very social. It took me awhile to get a smart phone and iPad, but once I did I understood what all the fuss was about. I LOVE it. I'm as addicted as a teenager! My virtual life is amazing and satisfying. I'm not the type of person that needs to be around people. Maybe it's because I am never alone since I have a large family, or it's just in my nature from growing up as an only child. I love to be alone. 
Ok, back to the article. It was saying how all this technology might be hampering our ability to empathize, that kids are having a hard time reading body language, resolving conflicts or feeling compassion for their real life friends. That we need to help our children maintain a balance between actual friends and online friends.
I realized that I'm an adult. I have the freedom to choose who to spend time with, when and how often. I know what I need and how to act in social situations. But my kids do not. They have to deal with kids alll day, every day. A huge part of parenting for me is teaching them coping skills. Well this now is equally important.  I will sacrifice some screen time, to show my kids about balance, and spending time together. Another good tip is to have your children look at you when you are talking. Im actually guilty of checking my phone in front of someone. How rude! It could definitely wait a couple of minutes until the person is done talking.
This is what I've come up with. We will eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner together screen free. We will swim together, and play something together everyday. I will let them have friends over. We will talk more about feelings. I will be empathetic with them so they will see what it is! When the older ones are out, a text won't be enough. They need to call me so I can hear their voice. (not to mention the background noise) I also think its important to use real words. Again, I am guilty of this as well, but I realize now how uneducated this generation is sounding. If something bad or sad happens, I don't think a frown face is enough. Use words, kind encouraging ones. It's amazing how easy it is to be so LAZY! You know what else this mama is bringing back? Complete sentences, and please and thank you. Why is it I have toddlers who know how to ask for something, yet my older children get away with barely asking?
So my kids are going to have what I like to call boot camp summer. How I fell into such a pattern of lazy parenting, I'm not sure. But I can tell you this mama is so TIRED of it!! Of course now that I said all this, hell will break loose, and I will be tested to the max! 
But it's all good, I will just post it on Facebook! ;)